toxic « Champ Performance

Don’t Hate the Jerks in Your Life

August 15, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

You can learn from a jerk if you try

We all have them, that person who is just mean. Maybe he is constantly trying to steal your ideas. Or she will take anything you say (and even something you don’t) and twist it to make you look bad in front of your teammates. Or you have the challenge of dealing with someone who is completely self-centered. It is never fun to have people like that in your life. It is easy to be angry and believe your world would be better off without them. But there are things you can learn from them, the least of which is how not to be a jerk.

Here are some tips for creating a good outcome from jerk behavior:

Don’t let them blindside you. Accept that sometimes people are mean. If you have one person in your life who is regularly so, practice ways of deflecting their barbs. “I completely understand if you disagree with my approach and am happy to talk about it. It is not okay for you to attack my character and integrity.”

If you lose your cool they win. Be prepared to catch your emotions before they fly out of control. Jerks gain power by pushing people’s buttons. Don’t let them push yours.

Partner with other non-jerks to defend each other. Don’t allow a jerk to run roughshod over the team. Support each other. Add comments like, “Chad, I think Meg was making a good point. Let’s let her finish.” If everyone murmurs in agreement, Chad will have to accept the group power.

Never gossip with a jerk. If she is telling you stories about others there is no doubt she is telling stories about you to others.

Apply what you learn. Pay attention to how people behave around a mean person. What specific things seem to tee people off the most? Can you use the opposite behavior to create a positive response? I am sure there are lots of great examples of how NOT to be.

Have empathy. It has to be tough to go through life being a jerk. Maybe they just don’t know any better and no one has ever told them how their behavior turns people off. If you think they are able to hear feedback, there might be an opportunity for you to have a tough conversation with them. Just keep in mind that some people really do have personality disorders and they really can’t see how mean they are and they really don’t care. Don’t waste your time trying to help people like that.

Is there a person in your life who does jerk like things? What is the worst thing you have seen them do? Do you think they are open to change or is their meanness being rewarded and getting them ahead? Tell us about it in the comments!

Check back next week to learn how playing brave is key to life success!

Did you miss last week? The five things you should never say in an argument

Tags :bully, Champion Performance Development, Doc Robyn, hateful, Jerk, mean, mean person, not nice, personal development, personal growth, Robyn Odegaard, toxic, toxic people, toxic person

Dealing With Toxic People

January 9, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | 1 Comment

We have all had it happen. You start your day thinking life is pretty good. But after a run in with Toxic Tommy you suddenly find yourself believing you might be the only intelligent being on the planet. Worse, that negative fungus spreads. Soon everyone around you seems to be bemoaning how horrible things are and how there is no hope for change. Your team has a bad apple and he/she is leaching your potential.

All is not lost. You do not have to allow Cynical Sally to trash your morale and ideas or those of your team. You do have options. Here is a quick look at what you can and can’t control and where you can make changes to inoculate yourself against the spores of pessimism.

Step 1 Identify the source – This sounds like it should be simple. However, it is important to know if the person you are dealing with is really generating negativity or if they particularly bad about spreading gloom and doom they pick up elsewhere. Generating is harder to stop.

Step 2 Listen to what they are saying – This is counterintuitive. Usually we think we should ignore people who bring us down. But this time, rather than just listening to how bad they think everything is and agreeing with them, listen to specifically what they are complaining about. Is there anything that could be a legitimate issue that needs to be resolved? It is easy to write off everything as garbage. But when your team has a nagging problem, you are going to hear about it from the “town crier” first. So ignore the emotion for a moment, listen to the content and make them feel heard. Is there something that really needs fixing? Great! That is something you can work with.

Step 3 Ask for solutions – This is where the rubber meets the road so-to-speak. If you really have a Negative Nancy or a Miserable Mike on your hands you are going to get more of the “woe is me, there is nothing to be done” attitude when you start asking about ideas for solutions. If you have a team player who has not been feeling heard (and therefore keeps repeating the same negative stuff and bemoaning the lack of a solution) they will jump at the chance to develop a plan to make things better. Heaven knows they have thought about it enough to make suggestions.

Step 4 Take the person aside and talk – Sometimes negative people don’t realize the affect they are having on their team members. Pointing it out and asking them to stop can be very effective. If they are really unaware of their detrimental attitude, agree upon a nonintrusive way to point it out. I worked with a team who had this issue they agreed on the word “stress”. When a member of the team started on a downward spiral someone on the team would say “You seem really stressed about that”. This was their signal to the person that they were headed into toxicity.

Step 5(a) Throw in the towel – If you have tried all of the options and see no improvement, it might be time to accept that you really do have a toxic person on your hands and they don’t want to change. I worked with a consultant once who said people like that needed to be sold happiness somewhere else. “Things are so bad here. No doubt they are better somewhere else. Please go seek them.” If you are lucky your toxic person will move on to ‘greener’ pastures.

Step 5(b) Inoculation – If Pessimistic Peter/Disparaging Donna doesn’t change, won’t leave and until you can move him/her on, it is important to keep the negativity from affecting you and your team as much as possible. The best way to do that is to realize what is happening and deliberately decide not to let him/her bring you down. Talk about it with your team. Work toward change on the things you can control, work around or with the things you can’t and do your best to ignore people who wallow in trying to do the opposite.

Do you have experience with a toxic person? What kinds of symptoms are you and your team experiencing? How is the situation being handled? Leave us a comment!

Next week: Micromanaging is bad for everybody!

Did you miss last week? Go back and think about if you can really explain who you are to someone else effectively here.