Posts Tagged ‘team drama’

Purposeful Conversation Key to Creating a Great, Drama-free Team

April 2, 2012  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

In case you have been living under a rock, the Women’s NCAA finals game is happening in Denver on Tuesday night.  Denver is also host to the Women’s Basketball Coaches Association’s national convention, at which I was a speaker on Saturday.  In honor of those two events I am posting an article I wrote for the March issue of Coaching Women’s Basketball magazine:

Coach D sat back in his chair with a huff as his office door closed behind one of his star athletes.  For the last three hours there had been a stream of young ladies through his office; each of them angry, crying or both.  There was so much “she said, she said”, who was seen out with whose boyfriend and who was an awful roommate that his head was swimming.  It had even been casually mentioned, “Maybe Sue (the athletic director) can help us”.

“Great” Coach D thought, “That is just what I need.  My boss involved in this craziness.  I took this job to coach basketball, not to referee girl drama.” He looked at the team picture hanging on the wall.  He had recruited great players.  Individually they all had great skills.  Together they were bickering, backstabbing and petty.  The energy during practice was awful.  Some players tried to keep the peace while others were openly hostile.  The bus ride home from last weekend’s loss had been icy silence punctuated by snide comments.

Coach rubbed his face with his hands and said out loud to no one, “Why can’t they just shut-up and play?”

Everyone who has ever worked with or around women’s teams has asked this question at one time or another.  And sadly the answer usually is, “Girls are just like that.  They are mean to each other.”  That doesn’t have to be the case.  If you are like most coaches you are about more than your team’s win/loss record.  You also feel responsible for developing young women who succeed after basketball.  If that sounds like you, you are doing them a disservice by allowing them to “just be like that”.

Here are a few strategies that your team can implement right away to make a positive difference on and off the court:

  • Start sentences with “I” not “you”.  Speaking from the “I” helps everyone own her feelings and state her opinion as an opinion rather than a fact.  Sentences that start with “you” are typically blaming and create defensiveness.
  • Assume the positive.  We are so quick to assume something negative about other people.  “She hurt me on purpose.”  Instead of immediately going to the negative, try to make up a positive or at least a neutral reason why something happened.  Even better, ask.
  • Commit to having tough conversations while they are small.  Too often we let something little fester until it explodes.  Nobody likes conflict but it is much easier to handle when it is one issue rather than several swirled together by the gossip mill.

Creating a great, drama free team doesn’t happen by accident.  It happens through purposeful conversations that create an effective team communication fingerprint.   Conflict is going to happen.  Turn it into productive conflict and you will have a team who cares about each other enough to give tough feedback tactfully and trusts each other enough to apply it.

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Are Your Disagreements Helping or Hurting?

June 20, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

What you say next matters

Did you know that how you argue and what you argue about can actually improve or deteriorate how much you achieve from your potential?  It’s true.  Certain types of disagreements or discussions can help you achieve more while others will only tear you down.  But how can you tell if a heated conversation is working for or against you?  The key is to recognize the type of conflict you are having and to use that knowledge to your advantage.

Relationship conflict – Try not to become too caught up in the term “relationship”.  In this context we are not talking about a romantic relationship.  Instead the term is used  to mean interpersonal interaction between people.  This type of conflict revolves around who someone is as a person.  Arguments will include things meant to tear down or damage the other person’s character. You might hear words like “stupid”, “dumb”, “doesn’t think”, “cares only about herself”, “isn’t interested in the good of the team”, “back-stabbing” or other nasty opinions.  These character judgments may include examples that “prove” what is being said is true.

Relationship conflict accomplishes absolutely nothing.  It creates a defensive response, hurt feelings and resentment.  There is no upside to these types of arguments.  There is no way for anyone to win and everyone will lose.  Worse, relationship conflict masks the real problem, burying it to fight another day, a lose-lose situation.  Relationship conflict diminishes team and individual performance in both physical and mental activities.

Informational differences – In contrast, informational differences, also called cognitive conflict, are about the actual topics and issues at hand.  The conversation can be about how something is accomplished, a situation that took place and the feelings that resulted or any number of real things.  Cognitive conflict is productive.  You will not hear accusations about someone’s character or declarations as to why someone else is behaving in a certain way.  Disagreements of this type involve the sharing of information.  There are lots of “I” statements: “I felt this way”, “I observed this behavior”,  “I had this reaction”.

Informational differences move people towards resolution.  As information about the real problem is shared, understanding grows and win-win solutions can be discovered.  Cognitive conflict improves performance in both physical and mental activities.

Have productive conflict – It has been shown that individuals who trust each other have less relationship conflict.  Having good communication improves trust.  And therefore good communication will improve individual and team performance.

To be more successful in all of your endeavors, reduce relationship conflict by eliminating character attacks and discuss informational differences by sharing where you stand and how you feel about something using “I” statements.  If you can own your own thoughts and feelings while listening to the thoughts and feelings of others your potential will take you far.

Have you experienced relationship conflict that ended badly?  Share it with us.  Doc Robyn is always happy to provide feedback on how unhealthy conflict can be turned into productive conflict.

Last week we talked about how worrying can kill your performance.

Next week: How the running commentary in your head, good or bad, becomes reality.

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Stopping a Downward Spiral

January 30, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Why do most teams, leaders, executives and coaches ignore issues with backstabbing, gossip and drama until the team is literally being torn apart? Key players quit, coaches or managers get fired – things get as bad as they possibly can before help is called in. I had a client say to me (after I had been working with them for awhile and things were back on track) “Well, we decided to give you a call because we had tried everything else”. Great, just what every expert wants to hear.

I know I always provide tips, tricks and ideas for issues – and I promise I will get to that. But for just a moment I am going to step out of that role and tell you straight up – every team I have known, been involved with or heard of that is at the point of meltdown has either been torn apart or they have brought in help. If your team is headed down that path get in touch with someone trained in group facilitation and team building. It can be me, it can be someone else – but bring in some help.

Okay, I am off of that soap box. If you don’t want to take the above advice, here are a few things you can do that can help. Success depends greatly on your team trusting whoever is facilitating the discussion.

Step 1 – Figure out what is going on and/or where the problem started. It took me between four and five hours over the course of two sessions in one day to get the whole story from the last time I worked with. I was careful to keep them on track so I could get the facts but also to make sure they felt like I was hearing their frustration and anger.

Step 2 – Acknowledge that there were certainly things that could have been handled differently and that where they are now is not a good place. Get buy-in that everyone on the team believes something has to change. If anyone thinks things “aren’t so bad” they will drag their feet during the change process.

Step 3 – Brainstorm what “solved” looks like. This step is about the end result not the process. What has to happen for everyone on the team to put the issue behind them and move forward?

Step 4 – Brainstorm the process to get to “solved”. Once you have the end goal from step three you can start figuring out how to get there. It won’t be easy but you need a plan.

Step 5 – Get buy-in from everyone on the team that the goal and the process are acceptable and will bring closure.

Step 6 – Put the plan into motion. Make sure you include check-in points. Every member of the team is responsible for following the process, holding others accountable to the process and bringing up issues or concerns if the process isn’t working. Be willing to make changes as you move along to make sure you reach your end goal.

Step 7 – Agree as a team that the issue has been addressed and is over. Hold each other accountable to not going back to “that place”. The commitment to closure is critical. That way if someone tries to slide back into an old issue you can remind them that it is over and part of the past.

So there it is, the simple yet oh so challenging framework for dealing with a team spiraling out of control. It is hard work. Members might not feel safe enough to be honest. Hurt feelings might not be discussed like they should and people may lie and say they are willing to move past something and not be. But if you stick to it for as long as it takes (I worked with a team for almost two full semesters before they were ‘better’) you will get there.

When you’ve tried everything you can on your own and it still isn’t working – you know how to reach me.

Do you have tips or ideas about dealing with team drama? We will love to hear them!

Next week: When is good – good enough?

Did you miss last week when we talked about keeping your team from falling into the pitfalls of office politics, gossip and team drama? Read it here.

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Oh the Politics, Gossip and Drama!

January 23, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  1 Comment

One morning about a year into my first real full-time job my husband called and asked if he could pick me up for lunch; a nice surprise since he very rarely had time for lunch.  As I got in the car with him he handed me a single red rose (how sweet), I gave him a quick kiss and we headed out to find something to eat.

None of that is interesting or even noteworthy.  However, by the time I got back to the office an hour later one of the ‘team leaders’ who had been outside smoking when I left had told several people in the department that I was having an affair.  It became a huge firestorm with hot-spots flaring up constantly.  Starting that day and for the entire two years I worked on that floor I had to defend myself.  “Yes the man who had taken me to lunch was my husband and yes sometimes he even bought me flowers.”  I absolutely believe that bit of gossip negatively affected my success in that job.

So why am I telling you that story?  It seemingly has nothing to do with teams or leadership.  Maybe it falls somewhere close to communication and conflict.  But really, why did my going to lunch with someone (my husband or otherwise) really matter to anyone?  That lunch in no way changed my ability to do my job and do it well.

If you are part of a corporate or athletic team you certainly have first hand stories like that one.  Maybe it was about you, maybe it is something you heard about someone else.  But the stories happen all the time and they are bad for productivity.  I have talked before about trust being a key ingredient for successful teams.  I never trusted that team leader.  I will even go so far as to say if I saw her today she would have to work really hard to gain my trust.

Here are a few tips to keep things that have nothing to do with your team out of your way:

    1.     Open a discussion with your team about the damaging effects of gossip.  Everyone will agree it is bad and no one in the room will stand up and say they think talking behind someone’s back is a good thing.

    2.     This is a perfect time to get a commitment that as a team you are going to wipe out gossip and the firestorm it creates.  Sports teams have the option to include it in their code of conduct (my book includes a team contract they can use).  It is a little more challenging to have no gossip written contracts in the business world.  If you can’t have a signed piece of paper at least have an explicit verbal agreement.

    3.     As part of that agreement include that everyone agrees to hold each other accountable to it.  Gossip goes nowhere when no one is listening.  Create phrases that can be used by your team when someone starts to talk behind someone’s back.  “That sounds like an issue between you and Sue.  Have you talked to her?”  “I’m not really sure what happened between Tom and Dave but I think it is their issue to work out.”  Having something ready-made to say will make the uncomfortable situation of turning gossip off much easier.

    4.     Remember to tell people new to the team about your “No Gossip” policy.  Explain why you put it in place and if you have a written statement share it with them.  Make it clear that office politics and team drama have no place on your team.

    5.     Keep in mind that gossip and politics are very normal in group environments.  It will take effort to change the team’s behavior. It is effort well worth the productive outcome you will receive

    6.     Finally – Coaches, managers, and captains MUST be role models.  I cannot even count the number of times I have sat in meetings with leaders who complain bitterly about team drama and then it turns out they are the worst gossip on the team.  Don’t let that happen to you!

It really is this simple – If you don’t talk about office politics, gossip and team drama they will eat your team from the inside out.  You will waste valuable time and energy and things that matter as much to your bottom line as whether or not I was having lunch with my husband did to my work all those years ago will drain your resources.

So ask yourself this question: How much potential are you willing to waste?

Do you have a story like the one I shared where something having nothing to do with the task at hand derailed your team?  We would love to hear about it!

Next week we take the issue of office politics and gossip a step further – What do you do when your team is being ransacked by team drama?

Last week’s topic had tips for being micromanaged and to stop micromanaging.  Read it here if you missed it.

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Everybody has Stuff

October 10, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  6 Comments


My stuff, your stuff, everybody has stuff. I am not talking about physical stuff we keep in boxes or piles I am talking about emotional stuff. The hurts, complements, slaps in the face and pats on the back that we have accumulated over the years. Some people categorize and compartmentalize it. Others have it scattered all over their emotional space. Most are somewhere in between. Regardless of your emotional filing system or lack there of there are going to be days that someone is going to stumble into your stuff and when they do, watch out!

Here is the really strange thing about emotional stuff: we usually want to blame other people for ours and accept blame for other people’s. It is an odd way to go about life but if you think about it, it happens every day. Anytime someone starts a sentence with “you made me….” or “I did that because…” followed by something someone else did they are passing off their stuff.

Consider the leader who yells at a subordinate and then later says, “I am sorry I yelled but you made me angry.” Putting aside that an “I’m sorry” should never be followed by “but…” The leader is telling the subordinate, “I gave you control over my emotions. You managed them poorly and made me angry.” I don’t know about you but if I was a subordinate in charge of the boss’s emotions anger would certainly NOT be the one I would chose. However, a subordinate is like to walk away from conversation like that thinking “I have to be more careful to not make the boss angry.” The boss packed the emotional box. The subordinate picked it up and carried it out. Energy that the subordinate could use to be productive is now being siphoned off to working on not making the boss mad.

There are two sides to this issue, owning your own stuff and not accepting ownership of the stuff belonging to others.

Owning your own stuff: This seems like it should be pretty simple. They are your emotions. You are responsible for them. But it doesn’t work that way. It is much easier to be defensive, blame everyone and anyone and to walk away feeling morally justified; particularly because feelings are something we never allow to cloud our judgment! (Yeah, right) Clearly it must be someone else’s fault! That is not the case, it is time to own up and take responsibility for what is yours. That is not to say you can’t tell someone how you are reacting to them. Rather than saying, “You did this and made me that!” Try something like “I expected you to follow up on that project. I am very frustrated that it didn’t happen.” Or “I am offended and angry that you arrived at training camp overweight and out of shape.”

When I work with clients on this topic I often provide them with a list of feeling words. Specifically because you can’t own your feelings if you don’t understand them and you can’t explain them to others if you can’t find the words.

Not accepting stuff belonging to other people: This is a tough one too. Accepting blame, fault or just carrying someone’s emotional baggage is a bad habit I see every day. How you handle it depends on your relationship with the person or team involved. If you did the front end team development work and have a common communication fingerprint you can talk to the person about it. Maybe you come to the agreement that you will hold their emotion for a time and then talk about it later. If you have a way to talk about it emotional stuff is just one more thing to maintenance during a conversation.

The more challenging situation is when you are using the black box of communication hoping it will work. If someone is packing their stuff on you and you don’t have a common communication fingerprint you have two options. One – diffuse, “I can tell you are furious about this situation.” Two – protect yourself. If the person simply will not be deterred let them pack those boxes with their stuff, let them vent. Just remember not to take any of them with you when you leave!

Are you a master at accepting emotional boxes from people? Tell us about it. Maybe you are an emotional shipper. What does that look like? Leave us a comment!

Next week’s topic: Having tough conversations -101

Don’t miss last week’s post A Tiger Behind Every Tree!

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Trust

September 5, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  3 Comments

How high would you set your goals if you knew your team would give 100% and support you, all the way to the top?

Trust has long been known to be a cornerstone of success.  If you Google ‘trust building’ you will get an abundance of links with activities involving blindfolds, trust falls and walking around the woods in the dark.  There is not anything wrong with them per se.  But, they miss the point that the basis of trust is knowing someone well enough to believe in them.

I have never met anyone who enjoys being involved in ice breakers or trust exercises.  But they always seem to be the go to answer for team building.  We suggest getting to know your team on a personal level and that means being willing to share yourself.  What makes you trust worthy?  Do your actions match your words?  How do you decide you can trust someone?  What would you need to make that happen more quickly?

If you and your team are communicating well and handling conflict in a productive way I can guarantee there is trust.  If you are observing gossip, politics, power plays or other drama it is a good time to go back to the building blocks of teamwork.  Champion Performance Development can help get an existing team back on track or bring a new team in on the right foot.  Contact us to start the process of developing a program customized to you!

Do you have a team that works well together or that is really falling apart?  Share your story with us!

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Productive Conflict

August 15, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  2 Comments

What could you achieve if ideas were raised, discussed and decided on without the politics?

The ability to engage in productive conflict is just as important to success as trust, teamwork and communication.  If your team members are afraid to have a dissenting opinion you have a room full of “yes men and women” Nothing good can come of everyone always agreeing.   The best ideas and discussion are discovered when someone is willing to propose something different than the status quo.

It is our responsibility as leaders to create an environment where it is not only safe to be different but encouraged.  Check out the Champion Performance Topic of the Week “Don’t shoot the messenger” to open the conversation on how we often unconsciously make it very clear we don’t want to hear anything outside of our comfort zone and how it negatively effects performance and the our ability to get the truth.

How do you and your team handle conflict?  Is it tearing your team apart or bringing the best ideas to the top?  Share a comment with us!

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