mean girls « Champ Performance

3 Questions to Sharing Complicated Information Successfully

January 7, 2013 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

Sometimes you just have to communicate complicated things. The look of confusion on the other person’s face and the back and forth that eventually causes you to get confused are almost a given. Of course it is equally frustrating if you don’t realize what you are explaining is going to be challenging to understand.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if ‘complicated’ is the correct label:

Is the information within the expertise of the other person?
Does the person have the foundational knowledge they will need to ‘peg’ what you are sharing?
Are there less than three points of required understanding (look for connectors like and/or/if /then)?

As an example: My sister recently asked me to proof read some code she had written to address a problem she was having at work. This request was certainly outside my current expertise. However, once upon a time, a long, long time ago – I could read and write code. The code she sent me had numerous and/or connectors. However, several days before she had explained the problem she was having. Because I knew what she was trying to solve (I had a ‘peg’) and I have some knowledge of code, she was able to ask me to look at what she had written without preamble.

If the answer to one or more of those questions is “no” – you will need to stop and provide background information or break the information down into smaller pieces to be successful.

Expertise. If the information you want to share is outside the expertise of the other person, ask yourself why you are sharing it. Your answer will determine how you proceed. Are you trying to increase their knowledge? Then you are teaching. Are you trying to get an unbiased opinion? Then you are risking an invalid response if they don’t understand. Many organizations make the mistake of sending out memos sharing information that the recipient does not have the expertise to understand or incorporate it into their work. Then management complains that workers are “stuck in their ways and unwilling to change”. Don’t fall into that trap.

Having a place to put the information. Someone doesn’t have to be an expert in a subject but they do need to know enough about it to be able to process what you are telling them. The best example of this I can share is when I took calculus in college. I took the prerequisite pre-calc and the next semester I signed up for calculus. I was two weeks into the class before I realized there was a pre-calc-B in between pre-calc and calculus. I spent many, many hours in the grad-assistance’s office struggling to gain enough traction to succeed. If the information you are sharing is going over the other person’s head, the communication is going to fail. Don’t leave them scrambling to figure it out.

Multiple points. The human brain is an amazing piece of equipment. But too many variables at one time will absolutely cause it to shutdown and stop processing information. When what you are sharing comes with and/or, if/then statements or is many separate paragraphs make sure you explain them one at a time and check for understanding before you move on. Asking “do you have any questions” or “do you understand” is not your best option. If it is feasible, ask the person to explain it back to you. I knew I was going to pass calculus when I was able to lead a study group. At the end make sure you leave the door open for the person to come back for clarification. If you expect them to just get it on the first try, they are likely to try to fake it. We all know what a mess that can make.

When you have information to share with someone, take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. You are much more likely to approach the conversation in a way that creates communication rather than confusion if you have a basic understanding of where they are, how they will react and what you want them to do with it when you are done.

I wish you the most from your potential!

If you would like Doc Robyn to work with you or your team to achieve greater success, email her at DocRobyn@ChampPerformance.com

Dr. Robyn Odegaard (aka Doc Robyn) is a nationally known speaker, author, and consultant. She has a doctorate in psychology and is the CEO of Champion Performance Development (www.ChampPerformance.com); an organization that enables her to combine her skills in executive coaching , organizational development and sports psychology, with her passion for public speaking to show clients how they can achieve success in every aspect of their lives. Doc Robyn founded the Stop The Drama! Campaign, authored the book Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams (www.StopTheDramaNow.com), and speaks for high schools, colleges and coaches’ conventions to reach students with the same skills that bring success to her business clients. She is a sought after expert in leadership, teamwork, communication and conflict resolution for radio, TV and print and is passionate about sharing high performance skills proven to assist teams and individuals in achieving the most from their potential. As an avid supporter of people striving to attain the highest level of performance, Doc Robyn lives by the motto, “Worst case, I want to be neutral to everyone I meet. My goal is to make a positive difference.”

Tags :addressing conflict, Champion Performance Development, clear communication, communicating complicated things, conflict resolution, Doc Robyn, good leadership, keynote speaker, mean girls, miscommunication, NJ keynote speaker, NJ public speaker, office politics, organizational culture, personal development, professional development, Robyn Odegaard, simple success, team building, team development, teamwork

To Resolve or Not to Resolve

December 31, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

This morning, as I enjoyed what is likely to be the last quite morning in the gym for awhile, I started thinking about New Year’s resolutions. In the past year I have written many posts with tips to creating effective, productive teams. Teams that work together to achieve amazing results. Today I am wondering do the resolutions your teammates are making match where you believe the team is going? Has your team created resolutions (read “goals”) they are committed to making come to fruition in 2013? Have you even talked about it?

The first week of the new year is a great time to do a team building exercise encouraging everyone to share their ideas to make 2013 better than 2012. Personal goals, ideas for the team and how you can support each person’s success. Here is a list of the top ten New Year’s resolutions. Those all look pretty daunting to me. Looking at the whole year and plunking down a global resolution is sure to put you and your team on the fast track to failure. Instead, ask yourself, “What do I need to do in the next 30 days? What do I need to do this week? What can I do today?”

If members of your team want to spend more time with family perhaps conversations about how to create better work/life balance are in order. If losing weight is on the list, maybe the pizza you always bring in for working lunches can be rethought. There are lots of little things a team can do to help each individual member reach their personal goals. And happier, healthier teammates create a more productive work environment, greater cohesion and better performance. However, you will never have a chance at realizing those gains if you don’t have a conversation about plans for 2013.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, productive 2013 where you achieve the most from your potential!

Dr. Robyn Odegaard (aka Doc Robyn) is a nationally known speaker, author, and consultant. She is the CEO of Champion Performance Development (www.ChampPerformance.com); founder of the Stop The Drama! Campaign, and author of the book Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams (www.StopTheDramaNow.com). She is a sought after expert in leadership, teamwork, communication and conflict resolution for radio, TV and print and is passionate about sharing high performance skills proven to assist teams and individuals in achieving the most from their potential. To invite Doc Robyn to speak to your group or to inquire about working with her directly you may contact her here.

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It is SO Simple to Overcomplicate Things

December 17, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

We all like things that are straightforward; when the right decision is clear and we don’t have to fight with too many variables. And yet we often create a labyrinth of ideas and options littered with half-truths and hedged opinions. On successful teams every member is laser focused on what is best for the team and speaks their truth about how to best reach that pinnacle. Today I’d like to provide you with a few tips to erase the complicated maze of mediocrity that is keeping your team from the simplicity of success.

Choose smart people – A team will only move as fast as the slowest mind in the room and the fastest minds will disengage or jump ship. It is better to hire a smart mind and train them than to bring on someone with experience who is going to be a millstone. Avoid the Peter Principle at all costs.

Keep numbers small – If you aren’t crystal clear as to why someone is in a meeting, they shouldn’t be. We have a bad habit of casting a wide net when it comes to meeting invites. Don’t do it! It will only muddy the decision making waters.

Get best outcome buy-in – I realize you expect everyone, by default, to strive for the best possible outcome. Say it out loud and get agreement from everyone at the table. It is too easy for someone to shrug and compromise to a non-optimal solution because they feel like it’s just not worth the bother. When we verbally agree to staying in the game for the best outcome our personal integrity is on the line and we are more likely to speak up in uncomfortable situations.

Create a standard of truth telling – In the last two weeks I have written about teams being too nice and how to make your point without being aggressive. Both of these posts are relevant. It is quintessentially imperative that everyone agree to be honest and not hold back their opinions. Who is more likely to tell you the hard truth, a friend or an enemy? Discussing the merits of an idea must never bleed over into belittling the person. Don’t assume people are going to be honest; talk about it.

Where does the buck stop? – I have said it before and I will say it again: consensus breeds the lowest common denominator. There must be one specific person who has the final say and that person must be in the meeting.

Put as simply as possible: Success comes from small groups of smart people who are committed to sharing their truth to achieve the best possible outcome. Where can you distill complexity out of your team?

Choose the simple route

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The Secret to Making Your Point without Being Aggressive

December 10, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | 1 Comment

If you read the Champion Performance Topic of the Week regularly, you will not be surprised to hear it doesn’t matter if you call it “aggressive”, “assertive”, “dogmatic” or “going on the offensive” I am not a fan of people steamrolling others with ideas, opinions or demands. Then last week I wrote about the risks of a team that is too nice to be successful and I received feedback from you that sounded like this:

“I get that being too nice limits success because good ideas get buried and bad ideas aren’t challenged. But when people stick to their guns and speak up, meetings deteriorate into ugly standoffs. Many of us leave vowing never to have an opinion about anything. I don’t care enough to bother. It’s not worth the stress.”

What a great starting point for follow-up post!

There is a single solution that will keep your discussions from turning into win-lose face-offs: Make the other person feel their contribution is understood and respected. If you are purposeful about it, making it happen isn’t hard. Here are the foundational points you will need:

Listen first! – If you are thinking about what you want to say or that the other person is just wrong, you aren’t really listening to what they have to say. It doesn’t matter how much you disagree or how wrong you think they are, don’t let your emotions run away with you. Take notes on what they are saying if you need help staying focused.

Create a no interruption norm – If there was a transcript made of the conversation would there be hyphens or periods at the end of each person speaking. If you listen without interrupting you have a leg to stand on when you request that someone not interrupt you.

Make it clear you understand – Start your rebuttal (for lack of a better word) by saying “I understand your key points are…. I have concerns about….” Making it clear you understand but disagree will help keep the other person from interrupting you to repeat themselves (Particularly if they are the type of person who thinks if you don’t agree with them you must not have heard them and says the same thing, only louder.)

Request to be heard – Keeping your cool when someone is trying to escalate a discussion into an argument is challenging. It is also the one thing that will keep the conversation from spiraling into a stalemate. Calmly use statements that point out the direction the conversation is going without accusing. “I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to hear my thoughts.” “Nate (using their name makes it personal), I’d like to finish my point so all the information is on the table for a productive conversation… (Continue your thought).

Show that you are on the same side – “I know we are both passionate about reaching the best solution. In that spirit, I’d like to continue my point (Don’t wait for permission. If the floor was yours, keep going.)

End the conversation – This is a bold and last ditch move that is very powerful. “Sue (yes, use their name again), if we aren’t here to share and listen to differing opinions in order to make the best choice there is no reason for us to continue this conversation. I understand where you are coming from and disagree. If you would like to hear my ideas on how I believe we can make a better decision, let’s set up time to talk about it again later.”

It is IMPORTANT that you are never demeaning, patronizing or rude throughout this exchange. The point is not to insult or demoralize the other person; quite the opposite. The point is to have your voice heard and have a meaningful exchange. The entire foundation of creating productive conflict is listening to and understanding the other person. Doing that first gives you the power to confidently request it in return.

What do you think? Could you use these ideas to make your voice heard without causing the situation to escalate? Let us know in the comments!

Tags :being heard, Champion Performance Development, conflict resolution, Doc Robyn, effective meetings, facilitating, facilitation, facilitator, good leadership, how to be heard in meetings, keynote speaker, making your point, mean girls, miscommunication, NJ keynote speaker, NJ public speaker, office politics, organizational culture, personal development, professional development, Robyn Odegaard, team building, team development, teamwork

Is Your Team Culture too Nice to Succeed?

December 3, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

It has become a recurring theme when I am asked to work with a team. They tell me how they all get along just fine, meetings aren’t contentious, and there really aren’t any problems per se. However, decisions aren’t being made, emails are often ignored (i.e. lost) and every now and then there is a major blowup that has team members screaming at each other. The issue is that people are too ‘nice’ and don’t now how to engage in productive conflict.

The first step to solving this problem is realizing that the opposite of nice is not mean. Too many people believe that being a nice person means you never disagree with someone. I have worked with teams where everyone is deferring to everyone else and nothing is getting done. Obviously that isn’t going to allow you to succeed.

In order to get out of the rut of nice your team needs to understand that it is quite possible to respectfully and kindly disagree with someone. Being able to say, “I hear you. I understand you and this is where my ideas differ” is a skill that everyone needs to hone. Here are a few ideas to help your team understand how “nice” is killing their productivity and why using productive conflict is going to be beneficial to them.

Start the conversation – What does it mean to be ‘nice’? Is it nice to let someone walk around with poppy seeds in their teeth? Is it nice to agree with someone (or be silent) in a meeting but then hide behind an email to complain about the ideas that were discussed? Is it nice to let someone work on a project that you know is doomed to failure just so you don’t have to deal with the discomfort of having a conversation with them? These types of questions will get your team talking about how they interact with each other and their expectations of those interactions.

Professional skepticism is what makes good ideas great - When everyone just nods and smiles to avoid conflict, bad ideas are implemented and time and money are wasted. A great historical example of the ‘groupthink’ that conflict avoidance creates is the Bay of Pigs. Certainly your team doesn’t want to have failures like that happen because no one was willing to speak up. Being willing to professionally disagree with someone can also help flesh out a good idea.

Reward bravery – When someone shares a dissenting opinion, how does the team respond? Are there eye rolls or loud exhaling that make it clear no one wants to hear it? Even subtle cues will let someone know what is okay and not okay to share in your culture. If you have a “yes-man” culture the leaders need to step up to break it. Ask questions like, “What are we missing?” “How can we make this idea better” and “Where is this plan the weakest?” When someone speaks up engage the group in a discussion about the idea. If you are able to make a positive change because of it, point it out and thank the person.

Take the lead – Respectful disagreement is a critical component of productive conflict. Ask your team what it takes to be respectful while disagreeing. Write down what it looks like for your group. Once you have an agreed upon definition, ask each person if they are willing to use it to help your team become more successful. Assuming everyone says yes you now have an expectation to which everyone can be held accountable (if they don’t agree you need to have more conversation as to why). When someone doesn’t speak up, be careful not to attack them. Instead, ask what kept them from using respectful disagreement and work to solve the issue.

The only way to keep ‘nice’ from limiting your team’s potential is to have an open, honest, respectful conversation. That isn’t going to happen on its own. If you keep ignoring the problem you will continue to have it. There is no time like now to get your team on the path toward greater success through honest idea sharing.

Dr. Robyn Odegaard (aka Doc Robyn) is a nationally known speaker, author, and consultant. She has a doctorate in psychology and is the CEO of Champion Performance Development (www.ChampPerformance.com); an organization that enables her to combine her skills in executive coaching , organizational development and sports psychology, with her passion for public speaking to show clients how they can achieve success in every aspect of their lives. Doc Robyn founded the Stop The Drama! Campaign, authored the book Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams (www.StopTheDramaNow.com), and speaks for high schools, colleges and coaches’ conventions to reach students with the same skills that bring success to her business clients. She is a sought after expert in leadership, teamwork, communication and conflict resolution for radio, TV and print and is passionate about sharing high performance skills proven to assist teams and individuals in achieving the most from their potential. As an avid supporter of people striving to attain the highest level of performance in their personal and professional lives, Doc Robyn lives by the motto, “Worst case, I want to be neutral to everyone I meet. My goal is to make a positive difference.”

Tags :Champion Performance Development, conflict resolution, Doc Robyn, effective meetings, facilitating, facilitation, facilitator, good leadership, keynote speaker, mean girls, miscommunication, NJ keynote speaker, NJ public speaker, office politics, organizational culture, personal development, professional development, Robyn Odegaard, team building, team development, teamwork, useless meeting

Stop the Madding March of Meaningless Meetings

November 26, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | 1 Comment

My youngest sister has been in her first 9-5 job for only a few months and already one of her main complaints is she spends so much time in pointless meetings she can’t get any work done. I had to chuckle the first time she sent me an IM (from a meeting) grumbling about meetings because I hear the same complaint from my CEO clients. How is it that everyone from the newest employee to the most powerful knows meetings are useless and yet we can’t come up with a better option?

It is my opinion that meetings become ‘useless’ because of poor communication habits being perpetuated by an organization’s culture. I would like to share a few of the first questions I ask clients who are suffering from the madding march of meaningless meetings:

What type of meeting is it?
There are really only three types of meetings; brainstorming, decision making and information providing. Do not confuse or intertwine them.

How will you know when the meeting has met its goal?
It is shocking to me how often this question is met with blank stares. Do not start a meeting if you can’t answer it succinctly.

Who needs to attend the meeting?
Many people use the shotgun method to create their invitee list believing they are reducing the risk of leaving someone out. This leads to unnecessary questions, re-explanations, key people tuning out (read your email during a conference call anyone?) and a complete waste of everyone’s time. Decision makers should attend decision making meetings and the people acting on decisions should attend information providing meetings. Brainstorming should be a combination of people who have knowledge on the subject being discussed.

How many is too many?
If you read my brainstorming post you know I am a big fan of seven. It is a good manageable number where everyone can be involved in the discussion. Once you get beyond about ten people, you are no longer holding a meeting. It is a presentation with only the most outspoken of the group interacting with the presenter.

Does the person running the meeting have the knowledge and power to do so?
That is pretty straightforward. If you have leaders who can’t run a meeting effectively, get them some training. It will save you money in the long run.

Don’t let executives ‘crash’ meetings.
I realize that isn’t a question. It should be a rule in every organization that executives are not allowed to just show up at any meeting they feel like attending (do they not have enough to do?). I cannot even begin to tell you the number of hours that have been wasted bringing an executive up to speed on the nuances of a topic only to have him/her say, “Sounds good, carry on” or changing the entire plan and creating months of re-work. If you have a micromanaging executive, set up a one-on-one meeting with him/her. At least then it is only one person’s time being wasted rather than the whole group.

I love this quote: “A meeting moves at the speed of the slowest mind in the room.” – Dale Dauten Slow doesn’t have to mean not smart. It could mean not informed or not prepared. If you have someone who is constantly dragging meetings to a standstill, figure out the problem and solve it.

Finally – If the annoyance of wasting your time isn’t enough to motivate you to streamline your meetings or bring someone in to help make your meetings more productive, crunch some numbers. Add up the hourly wage of everyone sitting around the table. Make a guesstimate as to what percentage of a meeting is wasted time and multiply. Example: Seven people making $50 an hour in a minimum of 2 hours of meetings a day with a generous guesstimate of being productive 60% of the time. 2(7×50) x .4 = 280 At that rate those seven people alone are wasting more than $65k a year. How would you like that in your company pocket?

Here’s hoping your next meeting is less maddening.

Tags :Champion Performance Development, conflict resolution, Doc Robyn, effective meetings, facilitating, facilitation, facilitator, good leadership, keynote speaker, mean girls, miscommunication, NJ keynote speaker, NJ public speaker, office politics, personal development, professional development, Robyn Odegaard, team building, team development, teamwork, useless meeting

Keep Brainstorming from Going Awry

November 19, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

I was recently asked to facilitate a brainstorming session in NYC. This session was somewhat atypical in that the participants where C-suite executives and several outside expert advisors. With so many high level people in one place, expectations were very high. However, the challenges they faced to stay focused on the goals of the meeting were the same as those faced by a Girl Scout troupe talking about where to have the next cookie sale. Fortunately, the CEO had the foresight to bring in some help to keep them on track.

That got me thinking; not every brainstorming meeting requires an outside facilitator. But they will all be infective and a waste of time without someone keeping them on track. In the spirit of helping you the next time you are that someone, here are a few foundational things your meeting needs.

What problem are we trying to solve – The whole point of brainstorming is to generate ideas. Your session needs to be focused on a single problem. If other problems come up during the meeting, write them down. Don’t allow the group to rabbit-trail (like a dog following random scents).

Do we have the right people and only the right people – Brainstorming is governed by the law of diminishing returns. You need enough knowledgeable people to bounce ideas around but not so many that people disengage. I like to keep groups at seven or less.

Chose the facilitator wisely – The meeting absolutely and without question needs a facilitator. Someone with the authority and personality to interrupt to keep the group on track. But not so much power as to squash ideas by just frowning (People with that much power may be better off reviewing the results rather than being in the meeting).

Use the power of the individual mind first – If it is practical, ask participants to jot down a few ideas before the meeting starts (Note – in my experience the more senior the group the less likely they will arrive prepared). Otherwise, give 5-10 minutes at the start for people to think on their own, without the interference of other ideas./li>

The goal is idea generation – Have people share their ideas and invite the group to expand on them. It is important for the facilitator to recognize when the group stops expanding and starts discussing merit. There is no such thing as a good or bad idea. In fact I would recommend banishing those words from the room.

The decision making meeting – It is risky for a brainstorming meeting to evolve directly into a decision making meeting. It is too easy for the debate of pro/cons to go on indefinitely or for participants to become emotionally attached to an idea. If you want the group involved in the decision making process, schedule a different meeting.

Choose a decision maker – Even if you have a decision making meeting there needs to be someone who has the final say (this is a good time to bring in the power player mentioned in the choosing a facilitator point). When groups make a decision by consensus they will chose the lowest common denominator rather than the best idea.

Narrow the list – Give each person 3-5 ‘votes’ (depending on the number of ideas generated). They are allowed to put all their votes on one idea or place one vote on different ideas. Half votes are not allowed and should be thrown out. You can use stickers or different colored pens or any number of voting methods.

Discuss the top ideas – Take the top 3-5 ideas (based on how many votes each person had) and systematically discuss the pro/cons of each one. Make sure someone is taking good notes so thoughts don’t get lost. The facilitator needs to make sure everyone’s voice is heard and the conversation is not being dominated by one or two individuals.

Final words – At the end of the meeting go around the room and ask each person for their ‘vote’ for the top idea and three sentences as to why they think it is best. Try to do this from the least powerful to the most powerful person so votes aren’t ‘thrown’. This process is not about the vote so much as why they vote where they do.

Make a decision – If your decision maker is wise, he/she will take all of the information provided and use it to make the best decision. If he/she is just going to chose the one he/she likes best why did you bother with brainstorming? (Note – “fake” brainstorming session to try to make employees feel involved will backfire very badly.)

Let people know – There is nothing worse than spending your time and effort brainstorming and having the ideas end up in a black hole. Thank people for their time and ideas and let them know what next steps are.

Implement – That is a different post!

Every business needs fresh ideas to succeed. Brainstorming, when done correctly, is a great tool. I HIGHLY recommend bringing in a trained facilitator for important projects and when the participants are high level executives (those meetings have their own special dragons).

I wish you luck! Leave a comment or drop me a note and let me know how your next brainstorming meeting goes.

Dr. Robyn Odegaard (aka Doc Robyn) is a nationally known speaker, author, and consultant. She has a doctorate in psychology and is the CEO of Champion Performance Development (www.ChampPerformance.com); an organization that enables her to combine her skills in executive coaching , organizational development and sports psychology, with her passion for public speaking to show clients how they can achieve success in every aspect of their lives. Doc Robyn founded the Stop The Drama! Campaign, authored the book Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams (www.StopTheDramaNow.com), and speaks for high schools, colleges and coaches’ conventions to reach students with the same skills that bring success to her business clients. She is a sought after expert in leadership, teamwork, communication and conflict resolution for radio, TV and print and is passionate about sharing high performance skills proven to assist teams and individuals in achieving the most from their potential. As an avid supporter of people striving to attain the highest level of performance in their personal and professional lives, Doc Robyn lives by the motto, “Worst case, I want to be neutral to everyone I meet. My goal is to make a positive difference.”

Tags :brainstorming, Champion Performance Development, conflict resolution, Doc Robyn, facilitating, facilitation, facilitator, good leadership, keynote speaker, mean girls, miscommunication, NJ keynote speaker, NJ public speaker, office politics, personal development, professional development, Robyn Odegaard, team building, team development, teamwork

How Dealing with Mean Kids in High School Led to My Life’s Passion

November 7, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

Those of you who are regular readers of the Champion Performance Topic of the Week know that I like to provide tips, ideas and thought starters that show people how they can harness their potential and achieve greater success by owning the power of effective communication and productive conflict. You know I am passionate about helping anyone who has a desire for something more than everyday mediocrity.

But lately people have started to ask me why. “Doc Robyn, why do you care? Why does it matter to you?” This is a topic I touch on briefly when I give presentations but I realized I have never shared it here with you, my dedicated readers. I could write pages answering those questions. But I would like to share just one story with you instead:

I was not a popular kid in high school. It was small school and had a large Latino population. As a tall, skinny, blonde I stuck out like a sore thumb. Add to that – I was an A student, often blamed for “ruining the curve”, more often than not I was the only girl on the track team and my Dad was the not so well liked music and economics teacher. As a defense mechanism I could be brash and cocky. I always told the truth; but not always in the nicest way. I had no female friends and only the guys on the fringes of other social groups would hang out with me. I don’t remember being upset about it. I just figured that was how it was and I was plenty tough enough to deal with it.

In the spring of my junior year letters were sent out to all of the female juniors and seniors with a GPA of 3.5 or better inviting us to enter the town beauty pageant. The year before the response had been so poor they hadn’t even held the pageant so the girl passing on the crown had held it for two years. She was popular and well liked. I thought it sounded fun and that maybe it would let me connect with my peer group. Little did I know how wrong I was.

I and four other girls entered. We attended sessions on manners, how to walk (I still attribute my ability to walk in high heels to that pageant), and how to speak clearly. We were models in a spring show for a local clothing store, and spent an entire day involved in interviews with the judges. I practiced with the other girls to make sure the talent part of their show was perfect. We worked together on the dance routine we were doing as the show opener. I didn’t really feel like they were my friends, but I didn’t think they hated me either.

The big night finally arrived. We danced and smiled, wore evening gowns and smiled, did our talent and smiled and answered the judges’ questions and smiled. By the end of the night my face hurt from smiling. But when the announcement was made that I had won I was happy to smile through it.

I went to bed that night thinking about how nice it was going to be at school on Monday morning. I had had fun, learned some new things and was going to get to represent the town for the next year. I expected to be congratulated and for people to be happy. I was in for a big surprise.

I arrived on campus the same way I always did; with my Dad, my brother, a foster kid who was living in our home and a girl (who had also been in the pageant) who we gave a ride to school every day.

By the time lunch rolled around, not only had I not been congratulated, I had been asked how I rigged the judging so I could win, told that my father had pressured the judges to chose me, informed that I was only picked because the judges felt so bad for me because I made a fool of myself and that I had been involved with the judges sexually to get the nod. I was so hurt and embarrassed. Not only had my involvement in the pageant not helped my standing with my peers, it had made me the butt of many of their cruel jokes.

On Wednesday when the local paper came out, the pageant was front page news. There were several pictures of the event, the runner up and of me. Those pictures started showing up around school, taped to the walls and stuck in my locker with the word “slut” written on them and an arrow pointing to me.

I am not telling you this story because I want you to feel sorry for me. That is not at all the case. Instead I am trying to make a point. I wish I had even one of the effective communication or productive conflict skills I have now. Not because I think I could have changed how the other students behaved or that I could have explained to them how hurtful they were being.

I wish I would have had the ability to explain to a counselor, teacher or my parents how crushed I was. Sure, I rode in parades and smiled, represented the town at events and smiled, when my picture was unveiled in the town hall, I smiled. But inside, I was very hurt and sad.

There are other stories in my past of me being on the receiving end of other people’s hurtful comments. Sometimes they were brought on by my own actions and sometimes people where just mean. I know what it is like to try to fit in and feel hated. If the skills I teach help one person take their power and express their hurt or help one parent, teacher or coach hear that hurt and know how make someone feel heard – I have made a difference. And that my friends, is why I do what I do.

Doc Robyn’s Stop The Drama! campaign can be found at www.StopTheDramaNow.com

Can you relate to this story? Please tell me in the comments!

Did you miss last weeks topic about a skill everyone could have but only a few use it to stand out? Are you using it? Read about it here.

Next week: Does Your Life Have a Theme Song?

Tags :bullying, Champion Performance Development, Doc Robyn, drama, high school, hurt feelings, lonely, mean girls, Robyn Odegaard, sad

Are Boys’ Sports Better Than Girls’?

October 10, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

It has long been considered a fact that sports, particularly team sports, provide athletes with the opportunity to learn and practice leadership and teamwork skills. But is that true across the board? Is it valid for us to assume that an athlete is generally going to be better at working with others than a non-athlete? Clearly the answer to that question is “no”. Some teams and coaches are better at providing those skills and some athletes are better at picking them up and implementing them than others. But the problem runs more deeply than that. If you put aside the variation from team to team and coach to coach, I believe there is a deep divide between how applicable the skills boys’ teams use are compared to those used on girls’ teams.

That is not to say I think boys are being taught something fabulous. That certainly isn’t the case. But the skills they use are at least transferable to business relationships. What most girls get from sports is not only non-transferable; it is detrimental to their workplace success.

Allow me to explain:

On boys’ teams there is often bravado, some posturing and likely even a little physical pushing and shoving. But in the end, a direction is chosen (maybe not the best one, but a direction) and everyone on the team works towards that goal – together.

By contrast, on a girls’ team there is gossip, backstabbing, and grudges. A direction may be chosen, but there could be a clique made up of several members of the team who will not work toward that goal. Members of the team may refuse to work together at all. Hurt feelings and anger escalate and the team becomes hooked into a firestorm of “she said, she said” causing individual and team performance to plummet.

Now, before you get all up in arms and start writing nasty comments about how not all girls’ teams are like that – I know. Not all of them are. Sometimes you will get lucky and a female team will not have to deal with girl drama. But that is the exception and not the rule. I have worked with enough female teams to say with certainty that most of them have at least one mean girl and often entire cliques of girls engaging in mean girl behavior. But most importantly, no one is doing anything about it!

Everywhere I go coaches, parents, administrators and even athletes are frustrated by how mean girls are to each other. But all that is said is “sometimes girls are like that.” Is that really the best we can do for our young women? We throw up our hands, say they are just like that and send them into the work world with no useful leadership, teamwork, communication or conflict resolution skills. I personally think that is ridiculous! We are failing young women and particularly young female athletes by not stepping up to the plate and challenging the idea that there is nothing we can do.

I am on a personal campaign to Stop The Drama! on girls’ teams and for young women everywhere. To provide them with the ability to engage in productive conflict on their sports team so they can take those skills into the work world and succeed. The reputation that women are mean, catty and unable to work together needs to be changed. If there is a young woman in your life who you love, do her a favor and don’t leave her floundering around trying to figure out how to achieve more from her potential. Give her the skills she so desperately needs. Don’t you think you owe her at least that?

To learn more about the Stop The Drama! campaign and Doc Robyn’s new book on the subject, visit www.StopTheDramaNow.com

Next week: Should schools be providing a more practical education?

Last week: How a diva in your life will limit your success

Tags :boys' teams, Champion Performance Development, communication skills, Doc Robyn, girls' teams, good sportsmanship, mean girl, mean girls, poor sportsmanship, productive conflict, Robyn Odegaard, sport team, success, team sports, winners and losers

What Is Emotional Bullying?

March 20, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | 7 Comments

I could hear the giggling and not so quiet whispering across the room. A few words escaped their circle, “stupid”, “ugly”, “can’t play”, “should quit” and finally, my name. Of course they were talking about me. They were, after all, volleyball players. I was new to the school and new to the game of volleyball. My Dad thought it would be a good idea for me to join a sport. He thought it would help me make friends. All it had done was teach me the volleyball team was made up of a bunch of mean girls who were more interested in makeup than being athletes. It certainly didn’t do me any favors that most of them struggled to keep their grades up to be eligible to play while I got A’s. Did they really not know I was in the classroom or did they just not care if I heard them being hateful?

Emotional Bullying, clinically called relational aggression, is the act of attacking someone’s feelings and the relationships they have will other people. Typical outlets for emotional bullying are gossip, rumors and outright lies. Emotional bullying happens in in person, on Facebook, via text or email. And if you think only teenage girls engage in such behavior, think again. There is evidence of it as early as in grade school and it is rampant in the workforce. Tearing other people down rather than building yourself up can be the go to method for leveling the playing field. And unfortunately, it works. When we hear negative information about someone we don’t know or know only in passing from someone we trust, we believe them. Rather than taking the time to gather our own information we take the easy shortcut and just go with what we hear. Not very fair, but it is what we do.

What can we as coaches, leaders, managers or parents do about bullying behavior? Turns out, we have more control than we think.

One – Don’t engage in bullying ourselves. I know you are thinking, of course I don’t bully! And because you are here reading this post, maybe you are self-aware enough that you don’t. However, double check. Are you ever guilty of pushing your weight around to get your way rather than talking something through like you should? Do you talk and laugh with your friends and ignore people you don’t know as well? Do you find the shortcomings of others great fun to share “just for the laugh”? You may think of those types of behaviors like you do white lies. “I’m not really hurting anyone.” In fact you are and as an authority figure you are setting an example.

Two – Don’t allow bullying to take place in your hearing. When you hear someone say something mean, be hateful or tear other people down and you say nothing, silence is agreement. I am not saying you need to get into a verbal fray about every bullying statement you hear. But simply saying “That isn’t a very nice thing to say” or “I don’t agree with that” will make it clear you are not in support of what is going on.

Three – Be compassionate and teach others compassion. It really isn’t that hard to be nice. Check-in with people. Ask how they are doing. If you hurt someone’s feelings apologize. I’m pretty sure most mothers still teach this stuff. Use it.

Four – Gather your own information on people. Don’t take the shortcut and go with whatever you hear. Find out for yourself. If it turns out the person really is a jerk you can be confident that you learned it firsthand rather than through hearsay.

Five – Enforce the rule that if someone has a problem with someone else they need to have a conversation about it. I am not saying as the boss or the coach you should never get involved in situations. But don’t get drawn into every disagreement. Have the parties try to work it out themselves. You are not responsible for having all the answers all the time.

Six – Listen. You will hear the rumblings of bullying on your team. All you have to do is pay attention. Don’t ignore ‘little’ things until they are big. Address gossip, rumors and other forms of emotional bullying right away.

What is your experience with emotional bullies? Share your story with us.

Next week: Is your chain of command working?

Did you miss last week about avoiding the volcano method to conflict management? Read it here.

Tags :bully, bullying, Champion Performance Development, Doc Robyn, emotional bully, emotional bullying, mean girls, Robyn Odegaard

Posts Tagged ‘mean girls’