Posts Tagged ‘managing stress’

Bullying Bosses

December 12, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Yesterday I did a book signing at the IM Gallery in Highland Park New Jersey. As I do before all of my book signings, I had an informal presentation/chat with the group. The conversation turned toward the work environment and I listened as several people shared how poorly they are treated at work. A boss who is so paranoid that her employees are gossiping about her she has forbidden them to talk to each other, even during breaks. Another who uses the poor economy to threaten his employees, “If you don’t work unpaid overtime I will fire you and you’ll never find another job in this market.” And still another who demanded that employees be available to be his personal limo service to the train station.

Since the theme of bullying bosses was so prevalent in the group yesterday, I thought I would share some of the insights we talked about with you.

First and foremost it is important not to let a bully affect your self esteem. Often when someone in authority puts us down we to take it to heart and begin to think less of ourselves. Watch out for that and fight it.

Second – What is yours and what is actually their stuff? Remember the post Everybody Has Stuff? Don’t allow someone to pack their emotional stuff into boxes and make you carry them. Determine what, if anything, they are saying is useful to you. Can you use it to grow or improve? Take what can be beneficial to you and ignore the rest. It is your responsibility to protect yourself from abuse.

After you are emotionally safe, you can work on creating change. Schedule a meeting or invite you boss to lunch. Have a conversation with him/her about how you could be more productive with some changes. Outline exactly what is happening that doesn’t work for you and specifically what you would like to see happen differently. Rereading the post Six Steps to Having Tough Conversations might be helpful.

If talking to your boss does not prove to be helpful, you may want to go over his/her head. Tread carefully. It is often wise to have a meeting with your boss and his/her boss to try to sort through the options.

Finally, talk to your coworkers. I am not suggesting that you get together and have a gossip and gripe fest. Instead, brainstorm solutions. How can you work together to protect yourselves from the bully and be as successful as possible?

Don’t forget that you always have the option of leaving. Staying in a job with an abusive boss is not good for you on any level. If you are unable to solicit change it may be time for you seek greener pastures.

Have you had an experience with a bullying boss? Share it in the comments and Doc Robyn will respond with her thoughts and pointers.

Moving a Mountain or Eating an Elephant

May 16, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  2 Comments

One shovel full at a time

College students, young professionals and even some not so young professionals can become overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life.  Every time they turn around there is something else demanding attention.  It can feel like trying to move a mountain with a teaspoon.  As a coach or manager you can either ignore someone drowning under their “to do’s” or you can offer guidance.  I would contend it is better for everyone if you choose the latter.  And if you recognize yourself as being that overwhelmed person, having the skills to dig yourself out can be a lifesaver.

A few pointers to get you started:

Recognize the signs of distress – People who feel like they have too much to do and too little time can be found at either extreme of the busy spectrum. They will either be involved in a constant flurry of activity, jumping from one task to another without actually finishing anything or they will be at a complete standstill, unable to even figure out where to start.  Noticing when someone is in one of those places is the first step to helping them.

Create order in the chaos – When there is lots to get done our brains often throw constant “reminders” at us because we are worried about forgetting something.  Trying to keep track of things in our head hampers our ability to focus.  I know that making a list sounds mundane and time consuming.  But having everything on paper will allow you and the person you are trying to help sort and organize each item individually rather than trying to look at a nebulous mass of demands.  Creating a list is well worth the time spent.

Create and fill buckets – Family, friends, work, school, athletics, social, community, etc.  Life always has buckets.  Figure out which ones apply and put the tasks that belong together in the same bucket.  It is also helpful to put the buckets in order of importance.

Which priorities belong to whom – Once you have tasks in buckets it is time to prioritize.  But think about why a certain task has priority.  It is important to the individual you are helping or is someone else in their life demanding it be a priority?  I am not saying one should necessarily have more weight than the other.  I’m just saying that understanding where the pressure is coming from is important.

Create smaller pieces – Take the top priority from the most important bucket and break it down into individual tasks.  For example: Getting to soccer practice on time might include laundering practice gear, locating cleats, packing a snack, purchasing sports drinks and filling the car with gas.  By themselves each task is manageable.  As a whole, ten minutes before you should be walking out the door they are overwhelming.  Do this for the first one or two priorities in each bucket.

Create a timeline – Determine when each priority needs to be done and back track to figure out when the small tasks that make up the priority must be accomplished.  Combine small tasks that make sense to be done together (start a load of laundry, go to the bank, get gas, buy sports drinks, return and move the laundry to the dryer).

Dig in – Start plugging away at those small tasks.  It is amazing how quickly they add up to big projects being completed.

Pat yourself on the back – Don’t forget to notice your progress.  Cross things off the list as you finish them.  Be proud of yourself for moving forward.

Repeat – Maintaining a running list of priorities that have been broken into tasks will help keep you on top of things and ward off that overwhelmed feeling that creates stagnation.  The bonus is once you have a list it doesn’t take a lot of time and effort to continue using it.

I have often said my life feels like I am digging seventeen ditches at once and I can only move about twenty shovels of dirt a day.  I can use all twenty on one ditch or I can make a little more than one shovel’s worth of progress in each ditch.  Each day the choice is mine.  As long as the ditches are being dug and I remember to notice the progress I can be happy.

Teaching someone to how to eat an elephant one bite at a time is a skill they will use for a lifetime.  Do you have any pointers on how you accomplish great things?  Let us know!

Next week:  The Changing of the Guard – how to make sure knowledge and skills don’t get lost when a team member moves on

Last week we discussed how ambiguity kills performance and what to do about it.  Read it here if you missed it.

When Is Good, Good Enough?

February 6, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  2 Comments

  92% is still an A

We live in a fast paced, pedal to the metal, give 110% world. Perfectionism is the norm and anything less than all you’ve got isn’t going to get it. But we know there is no way we can live like that all the time in every aspect of life. There have to be times and places when good is good enough. Let me give you an example:

I took a 300 level biology class when I was an undergrad. It was a big class. Some reports where upwards of 500 students (I didn’t know if it was really that big but we’ll go with it). The professor was teaching his own theories and was known to be a stickler for details. I went to all the lectures, watch the recordings on he posted on his website, participated in chat boards and studied like crazy. I even gave blood for extra credit. At the end of the semester I had 989 out of a possible 1000 points. You have to admit that is overkill. But the worse part, he ended up grading on a curve. Anyone with more than 560 points got an “A”. In retrospect I clearly could have spent a little more time on my social life and a little less on biology.

But how could I have known? The signs where there. I just didn’t bother to pay attention to be able to pick up on them. So how can you know when you don’t have to make yourself crazy trying to be perfect?

First – set priorities. What is most important today? Notice I said “today”. Your priorities should change. Some days your family is going to be most important. Other days it will be work. Remember to make time for the top priority to be you. If you know where you need to focus you will be able to delegate or put on hold other things. You can’t give 100% to everything every day. But you can prioritize and average out to that “A” in the long run.

Second – what are the expectations that matter? I certainly believe in the saying under promise and over deliver. However, if something is expected in two business days and you pound away in your office for 15 straight hours to get it done in “one” you’re probably over doing it. Delivering at 2:00 in the afternoon on the second day is still beating the deadline by a good margin and delivering by 5:00 is acceptable. 5:00 could be good enough.

Third – give yourself a break. I read a blog the other day that said “I can’t do something I don’t love for the rest of my life just because my Mom told me to.” So who told you everything has to be perfect all of the time? Go have a conversation with that “ghost” because they are wrong and it is stressing you out.

Finally – When the time comes that you do need to step up and give that 110%, do it! You know you have it in you and can call on it when you need it. If you are always running with the throttle wide open you won’t have anything left to give when you hit that bump in the road.

The bottom line – good is good enough when great doesn’t gain you anything. I would have gotten the same “A” in that bio class with only 561 points. The extra 428 points were useless. I couldn’t carry them over. They didn’t show up on my transcript and help me get in to grad school. I gained nothing, except being able to tell this story, by having them. Good certainly would have been good enough in that case.

Are you trying to be great everyday in every way and burning out? Do you have an example of when good was good enough? How do you know when you need to kick it into high gear and how do you balance it with the other parts of your life? We would love to hear your thoughts!

Next week: The art of real team building

Last week we talked about stopping a team on a downward spiral.

Everybody has Stuff

October 10, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  6 Comments


My stuff, your stuff, everybody has stuff. I am not talking about physical stuff we keep in boxes or piles I am talking about emotional stuff. The hurts, complements, slaps in the face and pats on the back that we have accumulated over the years. Some people categorize and compartmentalize it. Others have it scattered all over their emotional space. Most are somewhere in between. Regardless of your emotional filing system or lack there of there are going to be days that someone is going to stumble into your stuff and when they do, watch out!

Here is the really strange thing about emotional stuff: we usually want to blame other people for ours and accept blame for other people’s. It is an odd way to go about life but if you think about it, it happens every day. Anytime someone starts a sentence with “you made me….” or “I did that because…” followed by something someone else did they are passing off their stuff.

Consider the leader who yells at a subordinate and then later says, “I am sorry I yelled but you made me angry.” Putting aside that an “I’m sorry” should never be followed by “but…” The leader is telling the subordinate, “I gave you control over my emotions. You managed them poorly and made me angry.” I don’t know about you but if I was a subordinate in charge of the boss’s emotions anger would certainly NOT be the one I would chose. However, a subordinate is like to walk away from conversation like that thinking “I have to be more careful to not make the boss angry.” The boss packed the emotional box. The subordinate picked it up and carried it out. Energy that the subordinate could use to be productive is now being siphoned off to working on not making the boss mad.

There are two sides to this issue, owning your own stuff and not accepting ownership of the stuff belonging to others.

Owning your own stuff: This seems like it should be pretty simple. They are your emotions. You are responsible for them. But it doesn’t work that way. It is much easier to be defensive, blame everyone and anyone and to walk away feeling morally justified; particularly because feelings are something we never allow to cloud our judgment! (Yeah, right) Clearly it must be someone else’s fault! That is not the case, it is time to own up and take responsibility for what is yours. That is not to say you can’t tell someone how you are reacting to them. Rather than saying, “You did this and made me that!” Try something like “I expected you to follow up on that project. I am very frustrated that it didn’t happen.” Or “I am offended and angry that you arrived at training camp overweight and out of shape.”

When I work with clients on this topic I often provide them with a list of feeling words. Specifically because you can’t own your feelings if you don’t understand them and you can’t explain them to others if you can’t find the words.

Not accepting stuff belonging to other people: This is a tough one too. Accepting blame, fault or just carrying someone’s emotional baggage is a bad habit I see every day. How you handle it depends on your relationship with the person or team involved. If you did the front end team development work and have a common communication fingerprint you can talk to the person about it. Maybe you come to the agreement that you will hold their emotion for a time and then talk about it later. If you have a way to talk about it emotional stuff is just one more thing to maintenance during a conversation.

The more challenging situation is when you are using the black box of communication hoping it will work. If someone is packing their stuff on you and you don’t have a common communication fingerprint you have two options. One – diffuse, “I can tell you are furious about this situation.” Two – protect yourself. If the person simply will not be deterred let them pack those boxes with their stuff, let them vent. Just remember not to take any of them with you when you leave!

Are you a master at accepting emotional boxes from people? Tell us about it. Maybe you are an emotional shipper. What does that look like? Leave us a comment!

Next week’s topic: Having tough conversations -101

Don’t miss last week’s post A Tiger Behind Every Tree!