Posts Tagged ‘good communication’

We Need More Conflict in Our Lives!

September 26, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  1 Comment

I’m guessing you think I am crazy, but it’s true.  We all could use more conflict in our lives.  But not just any conflict – productive conflict. But what is productive conflict, why do we need more of it and how can you use it? I am so glad you asked!

Productive conflict

Productive conflict occurs when two people who disagree get to state their case, have a discussion about the points on which they disagree, develop a solution and implement it. No screaming, no hurt feelings, no gossip, no misunderstandings and no drama.

Why we need more conflict

Everyone I know hates conflict.  There is nothing fun about it.  It is uncomfortable and wrought with emotional landmines and risk.  So most of us avoid it like the plague.  We dance around a problem, hint at what we want, stew when it doesn’t happen and then explode.  We expect other people to just know what we want, understand that the only right way to handle the situation is how we want it done and do it.  It never works that way but that is what we want.

The reason we need more conflict is to keep the explosions and hurt feelings from happening.  If a situation is discussed and addressed as soon as it is a problem it will be over before it gets ugly.  So we need more tiny conflicts and less huge ones.

How to Use Productive Conflict

It is important to realize that most people have no idea how to have and manage a productive conflict conversation.  After reading this post, you will likely know more about it than anyone you know.  So you are going to have to be responsible for making it happen.  Here are the steps:

  1. Notice that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.  We are so skilled at avoiding conflict you might not even be aware you are doing it.  When something is bugging you, don’t ignore it.

  2. Set aside time to have a conversation.  Don’t try to have a productive conflict conversation in the hall outside the bathroom or at the water cooler.  Schedule real time to talk.

  3. Tell the other person your concern using “I” based statements. Catch yourself anytime you start to say “you”.  Can you reword it into an “I” statement so you own your power?

  4. Ask them to share their side of the situation. LISTEN!

  5. Restate your understanding – “If I understand correctly you are saying…” “Your main concern is…”

  6. Discuss common ground and solutions

  7. Implement



Conflict is never fun.  But coming up with a solution and avoiding a major confrontation is very rewarding.  You will also get a reputation for being a great team player and knowing how to be a leader if you are able to use productive conflict successfully and avoid the grudge matches that can so easily undermine your ability to succeed.

Do you have an example of a simple issue that turned into a huge problem because it wasn’t handled right away?  We would love to hear about it!

Next week – How being friends with a diva limits your success

Did you miss last week? Catch up on our discussion about school’s responsibility to deal with frenemies here.

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5 Things You Should Never Say in an Argument

August 8, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Disagreements and even arguments are a normal part of being human.  In fact, if two people never disagree, it is pretty likely that one of them is hiding their true thoughts and feelings.  However, regardless of if you are arguing with your boss, your coach, a teammate or your significant other, there are a few things you can say that will immediately turn the conversation into a defensive, no win situation.  There are likely to be hurt feelings, grudges and the problem may go on for days, months or even years.  Avoid these things and you will have a much greater chance of successfully developing a solution, implementing it and the issue being completed.

You make me…. (angry, mad, insane, etc)

No one makes you anything.  You get to chose.  By telling someone they make you feel a certain way you are giving them your power.  If you are feeling something during a disagreement, own it.  “I am angry.”  No one can argue with how you feel.  They can argue with you if they are trying to “make” you feel that way.

It is your fault….

Placing blame never accomplishes anything.  Once there has been an accusation of blame the conversation will become a back and forth escalation about who is at fault rather than about the problem and how to solve it.

You are…. (stupid, lying, wrong)

A personal attack will immediately put the other person on the defensive and the discussion becomes win/lose.  Instead try to keep the lines of communication open by controlling your side of the conversation.  “My recollection of the facts is different.”  ”That is not how I remember it.”  “From my perspective….”

You should/shouldn’t have….

Things that happened in the past cannot be undone.  Telling someone what they should or shouldn’t have done is looking backwards.  Instead, look forward.  “In the future I would like to see xyz handled differently.”  Then talk about what you would like to see happen in the future.

You aren’t listening to me!

This is a statement that is almost guaranteed to be made in any heated disagreement.  What is usually meant is “I am not feeling heard.” or “You are not seeing things my way.”  It is very possible that someone is listening to you just fine and they disagree.  It is also possible that you are not feeling heard.  You will be much more successful if you can say something similar to, “I am not feeling heard.  Can we take a minute and just let me make this point?”

Keep in mind that choosing the right words is only half the battle.  You can derail a conversation by using all the right words but adding a tone, inflection or body language that doesn’t match.  Having productive conflict takes effort but the outcome is so, so worth it.

What do people say in arguments that really pushes your buttons?  Do you have things you say that you know will cause a conversation to spin out of control?  Share them with us!

Check back next week to learn how the jerk in your life might be good for you.

Last week we talked about Changing Detrimental Team Norms.  You can read it here if you missed it.

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Telling The Team You Let Someone Go

April 25, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  1 Comment
How will the pieces fit when one is gone?

Letting a team member go is never fun and is rarely easy.  But it is one of those things that sometimes has to be done.  When you remove someone from a team it always changes the team dynamic.  How you let the remaining team members know can be the difference between a smooth or not so smooth transition. 

There is a lot of advice out there about how to let someone go, know and follow your organization’s guidelines, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, go into the meeting prepared, etc.  Since there is so much of that information available, this post is going to focus on what you do after you let someone go.  How do you tell the team?

In so many cases the only official information a team receives when someone leaves involuntarily is “Judy will no longer be with us” or “Dave has decided to pursue other opportunities”.  Of course this leaves a huge void of information and the gossip mill takes over.  Never a healthy outcome for anyone.

Here are a few things to think about so you can eliminate the gossip.

One – Make sure you know your organization’s policy on what you can or can’t share.  The last thing you want to do is create a libel situation.  Even if the policy is you can’t give out any details, you can still be open with your team.

Two – Call a team meeting as soon as possible.  The longer you wait the more time you leave for gossip to start.

Three – Be as clear as possible.  “Annette is not going to be a member of our team going forward.  Due to privacy policy and out of respect for her, I cannot go into the details.”

Four – Reassure the team that it was not a random or surprise thing.  When a team member is let go others worry they will be next.  Reassure them that if you have a concern about their performance you will talk to them about it.  If your company is cutting jobs or involved in layoffs, provide as much information as you possibly can.

Five – Let the team know who will be taking over the vacated role or tasks.  Discuss how the team will function/work differently moving forward.

Six – Allow the team to process the information and ask questions.  It is very important that the team be able to work through any concerns or issues they might have with you in the room.  Ask them if they have questions or if there are any ramifications to the person leaving that you didn’t cover in step five.  You will be amazed how quickly they will move past the change when you provide them with answers upfront.

Seven – End the meeting by letting the team know that you realize there will be some adjustment and that you expect there to be questions about roles/tasks and that they should be very comfortable coming to you with concerns or ideas.

Letting a team member go can be one of the toughest jobs a manager or coach has to do.  Often very little thought is given to the impact the change has on the team.  Spending a few minutes considering how things work on the team, minus the individual you let go will improve the odds that your team will make a fast, stress free transition.

How has your team handled the involuntary dismissal of a teammate?  What things would you repeat about the process and what would you change?  Share with us and other readers in the comments.

Did you miss last week: Telling the Truth Doesn’t Have to Hurt

Next week – Name the Dragon: Making fear manageable

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The Truth Doesn’t Have to Hurt

April 18, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  1 Comment

How many times have you heard (or maybe said) “the truth hurts”?  That phrase seems to be a catch all that claims, “I can say anything I want, anyway that I want, without care or thought as long as it is the truth.”  I disagree completely.

Sometimes we all need and even want to be told a painful or embarrassing truth. “There is spinach in your teeth.” “The promotion you wanted went to someone else.”  “You are not going to start this week.”   How that information is delivered can make the difference between it being very painful or just a little sting.  Some of that difference lies in the intent, some in the delivery and some in the message itself.  To keep hurt to a minimum consider the following:

Just because something is true does not mean it needs to be said.  “That baby is ugly.”  That might be true.  Some babies look a little squished for a few days after they are born.  But there is absolutely no excuse for actually saying something like that.  Consider the “truth” you want to tell, does it really need to be said?     

What is there to gain from this truth?  If the only benefit to a truth being spoken is to make the speaker feel better, it shouldn’t be said.  Hurting someone else for your benefit is just plain mean and uncalled for. In describing a friend I once said, “She is a bleach blonde.”  It was true.  But it was also very hurtful and unnecessary.  I should not have said it.  

Are you the right person to tell this truth?  Even if your intent is not malicious and someone could benefit from hearing the truth, you might not be the right person to say it. 

You’ve determined the truth needs to be said, the hearer will benefit from hearing it and you are the right person to tell them.  Now what?

No one wants to be told a painful truth in front of other people.  Take the person aside and speak to them in private.  Being able to react to the discomfort of the truth without the embarrassment of being observed by others will go a long way to limiting the hurt.

Provide an intro.  Never just blurt a hurtful truth out.  Start by saying something like: “I have something I need to share with you and I’m uncomfortable about it.”  Then take a breath.  It will give the hearer that split second to prepare her(him)self. 

Know what you want to say and get to the point.  If you are going to tell someone a painful truth, get to it already.  Don’t beat around the bush or change your mind.  It is like taking off a bandage, quick is better.

Let the person express their hurt.  If you are a big enough person to tell someone a painful truth be big enough to stay in the conversation and let them work through their reaction.

Help them problem solve.  Sometimes it is appropriate to help someone develop ideas for solutions or fixes to the ‘truth’ you just shared.  If you can be helpful, do so.

Keep the discussion to yourself.  A painful truth someone needed to hear should never be used as fodder for the amusement of others.  If you can’t keep the conversation to yourself don’t have it.

Tell us about a truth that hurt.  Did it need to be said or would it have been better unsaid?  Share your experience with “the truth hurts”.

Have trouble saying no?  Read last week’s topic – Saying No With Grace

Come back next week when we discuss How to let the team know you had to let a team member go.

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How Well Do You Know You?

January 2, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  2 Comments

It seems like a pretty straightforward question.  Of course the answer is you know you better than anyone else.  Here is a more difficult question – How well can you explain you to someone else?  Being able to do that requires taking your overall belief of who you are and put it, honestly, into words.  That is more complex than it sounds.  Psychology studies have shown it is common for people to tell others who they wish they were rather than who they really are.  Not because they are mean spirited and lying.  But because the desire is so strong we believe we really are who we want to be.  Which means maybe you don’t know yourself as well as you think you do.

Here is a great personal development exercise to help you learn a little bit about yourself (it also works well for advance team development).  Think about how you prefer to receive feedback.  If you are like most people how you want to receive feedback has never crossed your mind.  But when someone does it wrong you certainly recognize it and become hurt or angry.  So, if someone has something they want to discuss with you, what is the best way to approach you?

Here are a few examples I have heard from clients to get you started:

“Feedback works best for me one on one and in private.  When someone tries to give me feedback and other people can hear it I feel criticized and am quick to become defensive.  Once that happens I have a hard time taking it in and using what is being said.”

“I am pretty good at hearing feedback as feedback when it is coming from someone I trust.  When I know someone it’s cool if they just say ‘hey, do it this way’.  But if it is somebody I don’t really know it is better if they pull me aside.”

“I have a pretty tough skin and I’m all about getting better.  If someone sees something I can improve I want them to speak up right away.  That way I have context for what they are telling me.  After the fact I won’t be able to apply it.”

“I know I’m a softie when it comes to being told I’m doing something wrong.  I feel like a failure and stupid.  I am working on not shutting down when people try to help me get better… I guess for me it works best if my teammates know to be nice about it.  I want feedback.  I want to get better.  It is something I can use some help with.”

So if I had some feedback, simple or serious, what would be the best way for me to talk to you about it so you could hear and use it effectively?  After you know what works best for you, who needs to know?  That might be a tricky question too.  You are opening up to someone when you share about yourself.  Who do you trust?  Who will use the information to make you better and who will use it to tear you down?

Like I said at the beginning – This is a great personal development exercise.  I recommend it to anyone wanting to grow as an individual.  If you implement it for team development, keep in mind it should be used for teams well on the path to being cohesive.  If you try to get team members who don’t trust each other to share this type of information they will lie to make themselves looks good.  That totally defeats the purpose of the exercise.

Do you think you and/or your team could benefit from this exercise?  Have you witnessed a situation where someone tried to give feedback in a way couldn’t be heard?  We would love to hear from you in the comments or contact Doc Robyn directly.

Come back next week to learn how to deal with toxic, negative people.

Do you wish your athletes or employees would share more of their ideas?  Read last week’s topic for ideas on how to create an environment where good ideas don’t get lost.

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How Does Someone Know You Are Listening?

December 19, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Listening is a funny thing.  Think about when someone says “you aren’t listening to me”.  They are not saying, “you aren’t hearing me” but “you aren’t doing what I’m telling you to do”. 

If someone doesn’t do what we suggest or doesn’t act on our ideas we feel like they weren’t listening.  In actuality they probably heard us just fine.  The issue is either they didn’t understand or they considered our advice and decided to do something different. We have no way of knowing which it is so we simply don’t feel heard and figure it isn’t worth our trouble to try to give that person information in the future.  That is a really bad situation if you were the listener. A path of communication was shutdown.

As leaders and team members we know that productive communication is key to our success.  The last thing we want to do is squelch the flow of information.  So how do we convey that not only are we listening but we understand, even if we make a decision that goes against what was said?  We have to actively engage in the conversation.  Here are a few tips to help you get started:

  1. Prepare yourself to listen.  Avoid jumping to conclusions, becoming defensive and all the other things we talked about in Don’t Shoot the Messenger.  This means managing your internal emotional response.
     
  2. Check for understanding throughout the conversations.  Use sentences like, “Let me make sure I understand….” “What I think you are saying is…”  “It sounds like you are frustrated by…” If your understanding is not quite in line with what the person is trying to tell you, give them a chance to restate themselves. 
     
  3. Remember that feeling heard requires verbal and nonverbal acknowledgement.  Look at the person talking to you and encourage them to talk.  Ignore the ringing phone or the ding of your email.
     
  4. Be careful not to judge the information as good or bad.  Doing so is likely to make the speaker feel like you are judging her.  That will shut her down.
     
  5. Once she has finished speaking, summarize the suggestion or the information to verify you are on the same page and thank her.  “I will have to put some thought into that.” “That idea may have some merit.”  “I will add that to our list of options.” “Thanks, I appreciate it.”
     
  6. Finally, and this is important, follow-up and let the person know how you used the information they provided.  If you decided to go in a different direction explain that you took what they said into account and provide a brief explanation as to why you chose an alternative path.  Remember, they can’t observe why you made the decision you did and they will make something up if you don’t tell them.

 
I am not saying you have to go through this step by step process every time someone wants to speak to you.  For the important conversations, absolutely, I suggest using all of the steps.  For simpler interactions, just being aware of the steps and realizing it is important to make others feel heard might be enough.  Try it with your friends, spouse, teenagers and coworkers.  It can make a really big difference in relationships at work, on your team and in your personal life when people feel like you are listening to understand not just hear.

Do you listen consciously or are you usually thinking about other things and only half paying attention?  Maybe you know someone who says they want your ideas but when you try to talk to them it feels like they are somewhere else.  If you asked your friends, teammates or coworkers would they say you are a good listener?  If you have stories about good or bad communication we would love to hear about it.

Next week, the other side of the coin.  How to create an environment where people will speak up when they have ideas or concerns.

Ever wonder about the difference between a leader and a manager?  You must have missed last week’s topic.  Become a leader others will follow.

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Don’t Shoot the Messenger!

November 28, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

It used to be back when messages were written on scrolls, rolled up, sealed with hot wax, imprinted with a ring and delivered by someone in person who had no idea what the message said, the receiver (usually some high and mighty king type guy) would give the messenger a really good tip for good news and punish or even kill him if the news was bad.  Certainly a risky way to make a living for the messenger.

Today the idea of killing someone for delivering bad news is as outdated as sealing scrolls with wax.  And of course the Champion Performers who read these posts would never ‘shoot the messenger’ because they know it stifles communication.  Right?  Okay, sure we know and of course we never mean to take out our feelings on the person delivering the message.  But sometimes it happens and we don’t even realize we are doing it.

Many of my clients have experienced situations where good news travels fast and bad news gets buried until it explodes.  As leaders when a major issue we should have heard about weeks ago explodes onto our desk we blame the people reporting to us (employees, athletes, staff members, etc) for not coming forward with the truth.  Fair enough.  Maybe they “should have” come to us sooner.  So why didn’t they?  Simply put – the environment is not safe to share bad news.  As leaders it is our job to look at ourselves and figure out what we are doing to make it unsafe.

Here is an example:  A friend of mine was complaining that her college aged daughter never told her anything anymore.  I asked my friend how she generally felt about the things she wanted to know.  Of course she didn’t like the boy her daughter was dating, she didn’t like her staying out so late, she didn’t like how little time she spent studying.  The “I don’t like” list went on and on.  I asked, “Is there anything your daughter could tell you the truth about that you would like?”  There was a long pause.  “No I guess not.”  Hmm, if every time she opens her mouth she gets speech about what she is doing wrong it is no wonder she just keeps her life to herself.

The same situation plays out on teams.  If every time someone tells you about a problem they are involved in a discussion about how things got there, who is at fault and what should have been done differently your team is going to try everything they can to fix or hide a problem before coming to you.  Worse, the other members of your team will learn from observation.  In their heads a little voice will say, “Note to self, bury as much bad news as possible or risk being blamed.”  Of course that is bad for you, bad for the team and bad for the organization.

Instead of berating the person to make yourself look good by comparison try helping them grow.  In a bad situation the best thing you can do is figure out where things are (not how they got there) and then develop solutions. After the problem has been solved then look into what happened and find ways to develop the knowledge, skills and abilities of the people involved to avoid a repeat. When leaders are better at helping solve problems and then teaching solutions rather than judging team members feel much safer bringing up concerns before they are out of control problems.

Here is a short list of behaviors I have seen from leaders which create a culture of hiding problems.  If you think you never do any of them, ask someone who loves you enough to tell you the real truth.  I bet you have a couple you could work on. Remember, you probably aren’t hiding that negative reaction as well as you think you are.

● Rolling eyes ● Exhaling heavily (huffing) ● Judging ● Being defensive ● Blaming ● Evaluating ● Refusing to help ● Humiliating someone ● Giving the “are you really that stupid” look ● Going into “should have” mode ● Giving the silent treatment ● Calling someone stupid ● Taking someone off the field or project without offering guidance ● Wishing a former team member was still around to “do things right” ● Taking someone out of the starting line without feedback ● Not sending/inviting someone to status meetings ● Giving the cold shoulder

The list could go on and on.  Do you have a behavior your boss or coach does that makes you or your teammates want to hide problems for as long as you can?  Share them with us!

Next week we will be talking about evaluation versus performance and why it is impossible to do them both at the same time!

Last week I talked about how people often make up reasons why other people do things.  If you missed You Can’t Observe Why you can read it here.

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6 Steps to Having Tough Conversations

October 17, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  21 Comments


Nobody enjoys having the tough conversations. The guy who leaves his practice gear in his locker until the air is so thick with the stench you can see it. The woman in the cube next to you who hums all day. The person who just isn’t pulling his/her weight. Or the employee who has taken too many sick days for an ailing parent. Yeah, those conversations. Nobody likes them. It is much easier to complain to someone else rather then address the problem. Easier, but doesn’t solve anything. In fact it will make it worse.

The volcano method doesn’t work either. That is, don’t say anything for as long as you can. Wait until you reach your absolute explosion point and then, scream. Not pretty, not productive and very destructive to the team and your relationship with the other person.

If your team has developed a communication fingerprint you already have an accepted method for addressing these types of conflict while they are still little annoyances. If you don’t, your job is going to be a little more challenging. Not impossible. Just a bit challenging.

Step 1: Make sure you know exactly what is bothering you and what the best solution is for you. Be prepared to compromise. But know what you would like going in.

Step 2: Don’t ambush the person. Nobody wants to be called out in a public setting or without time to prepare. You have been thinking about this issue and the conversation you want to have for a long time. They have been going through life happy-go-lucky thinking everything is fine. Have an idea of somewhere private you can talk. Start with something like, “I have a concern I’d like to talk to you about. Is now a good time or can we schedule something later today?”

Step 3: Own your part of the concern by starting the conversation with an “I” statement. For example: “Joan, I think it is really great that you are such an upbeat person. When you hum during the day I get distracted. I am sure you do it unconsciously so I was wondering if you could help me come up with an inconspicuous way I could point it out to you.” Or “Jeff, I’ve been noticing at practice that you have been a step behind of late. Is everything Okay?”

Step 4: Actively listen. Give the person space to talk/explain. Engage in a conversation with them to make sure you understand and they feel heard.

Step 5: Be gracious and keep your cool while sticking to your need for change. If they become defensive, roll with it. “I can understand that you would be upset about this. It is an awkward conversation for me too. I just felt like it was better for us to talk about it now than for me to just stew until I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Step 6: When you notice positive change be genuinely thankful as appropriate (not if is going to embarrass them again. Then just let it slide).

My clients often find it useful to practice tough conversations with me just to work through the vocabulary and deal with the ‘stress’ feeling about having it. If you don’t have anyone to talk through it with you make sure you do a thorough job of step one.

Good luck!

Tell us about the tough conversations you need to have or ones you had and how they turned out!

Check in next week to learn about interviewing to determine fit!

Last week’s post provided pointers for dealing with emotional stuff, yours and everybody else’s.  Read it here if you missed it.

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Why Silence is Golden

September 26, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  23 Comments

We hate silence. If you are a type A, highly driven person like I am you likely view silence as a waste of time. Nobody is saying anything, thoughts and ideas are not being shared and therefore nothing is getting done. Even if you aren’t quite that intense about it silence likely makes you uncomfortable. I am reminded of a boy who was asked to hold a moment of silence for a fallen friend. After about fifteen seconds the boy said, “Okay, that’s enough.” The crowd chuckled. But I know exactly how the boy felt. Silence is intimidating.

Pay attention the next time you are in a meeting. How much silence is there? I would bet almost none (unless the meeting is very tense which is a topic for a different week). So I pose this question, If someone is always talking when is anyone supposed to think? Clearly the only possible answer is, While someone else is talking. Now, if I have to think about what I want to say while someone else is talking who is listening? Ahh, now we see the problem. No one is listening because someone is always talking and everyone else is thinking about what they want to say. No wonder we can’t communicate!

An additional thing to consider when thinking about silence is, when is silence really just because no one has anything to say and when is it because people are thinking. It takes people different lengths of time to decide the floor is open and they can speak. Before I learned that silence was a good thing, if no one was talking and I had a thought complete enough to share, I started speaking. Other people wait an extra second or two just to make sure they aren’t stepping on anyone in the conversation. If you have a person who is always filling the silence the more “polite” communicators will never have a chance to have their voice heard.

As you create your team’s communication fingerprint think about how silence can be allowed. I am not saying you have to mandate a certain amount of it between each speaker. That would make for a very stilted conversation. As a team, talk about it. How do you work “think time” into a conversation? If you have someone on the team who fills silence, either by talking or saying uhhhhh while they think so they don’t lose the floor, talk to them about it. I have a friend who says, “what else can I tell you…?” trailing off at the end. It makes it clear to me as a listener that he is not finished speaking and I should not start. That isn’t true silence.

So think about how your team handles silence. Talk about it. It will get you one step closer to being able to maintenance the conversation and be your most productive.

How does silence make you feel? Do you have someone in your group who is always filling the space with words or sounds? Leave us a comment telling us about it or any other thoughts you have about this topic!

Next week: A tiger behind every tree

Did you miss last week’s topic about using the black box of communication?  Read it here.

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Black Box Communication

September 19, 2010  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  5 Comments

My mechanical engineer brother recently shared a conversation he had with a company salesmen.  It sounded like this:  Brother – “how does this part of the machine work?”  Salesman – “I don’t know.  I hoped you could figure it out.”  The drawing my brother threatened to produce looked like this:

Many people approach communication that way.  They say, “I am an excellent communicator.  I always say exactly what I mean.  I can’t help it if other people don’t understand.”  That is like putting thoughts and ideas in the black box of hope and expecting perfect results.

It doesn’t matter how fluent you believe you are and how well you think you are explaining something.  If the person you are talking to hears a different message than you intended the communication failed.  Fortunately there are ways to reduce the risk of miscommunication.  It just takes a little bit of what I call “conversation maintenance”.

The first step is recognizing that everyone has a communication style or fingerprint which is unique to them.  It is developed starting at birth.  What words mean, how they work together and what inflection adds to those words is learned through experience.  Keep in mind, what you communicate is less than 5% about the words you chose.  The rest is things like body language, inflection and cadence. Your communication fingerprint is most similar to people with similar experiences to yours.  The more diverse the experiences on the team the greater the difference in their communication fingerprints and the greater the risk of miscommunication.

If you are going to be working with someone or in a team of people to reach a goal it will serve everyone involved very well to take the time to develop a team communication fingerprint.  And don’t worry I hear you saying “But Doc Robyn, we don’t have time for that!  We have work to do!”  Trust me, if your team is going to be successful you will develop a fingerprint for communication for your team.  The question is simply, will you do it by putting things blindly into the black box of hope and making adjustments by backtracking due to miscommunications and misunderstandings which often lead to hurt feelings, resentment and anger within the team and having to repeat the painful process every time you add someone new.  Or will you take the proactive approach to figure out how to be the most productive right from the start and have a way to explain to new team members how things work so they can get up to speed very quickly.  Sadly, most people chose the black box of hope. Over the next few weeks I am going to try to unpack that box so you will have a better understanding of what goes on during a conversation.

Do you have a great example of the use of black box communication? Can you estimate how much time it took to fix the miscommunication?  Leave a comment and tell us about it!!

Come back next week when we will talk about the next step in conversation maintenance: If someone is always talking when am I supposed to think?

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