disagreement « Champ Performance

Don’t Confuse the Situation with the Facts

June 4, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

How many times have you been in a discussion with someone and either heard or said, “Yeah, but….”? That phrase means, “I agree with the point you are making but not enough to accept the whole argument or make the decision you want. Very often when someone says, ‘yeah, but…’ they are agreeing with the facts while disagreeing emotionally. It is in those instances that I say, “Don’t confuse the situation with the facts”. What I mean is, the facts are second in importance to the emotion about the situation. Rather than trying to dissuade someone using facts, work to understand the emotion.

To really understand someone requires knowing the difference between hearing, listening, understanding and feeling heard.

Hearing – The vibration of sound waves against the eardrum. You can hear a car horn.

Listening - The conscious act of paying attention to sound. You can listen to a horn to determine where it is coming from.

Understanding – The interpretation of sound into thought that is congruent with the intent of the sender. You can hear a car horn, realize it is coming from the vehicle behind you and interpret that they want you to notice that the light has turned green.

Feeling heard – When the sender of information believes you understand what they are telling you. When you proceed through the intersection the other driver knows you got the message.

Of course a car horn is a crude example of those four points. However, the idea is the same when someone is speaking to you. When someone (even you) says “Yeah, but…” listen to what comes next. In all likelihood they are giving you emotional reasons they disagree or can’t do what you want. A great example is when someone is caught in an inappropriate relationship. They know all the cultural and societal facts as to why they shouldn’t have done what they did. But the reasons for their choices weren’t based in fact, they were based in emotion. (I don’t think I need to give examples. Listen to any audio of someone after they have been caught in an affair. You will hear emotion, not logic.)

The emotion part of our brain is much stronger then the fact side. All of the facts can line up on one side of a decision and we will often go with the emotional answer instead. So, when someone is ‘yeah, but-ing’ you, stop throwing facts and logic at them and work to understand their emotion. Once you do that you will be able to have a discussion at the root of the decision making process and determine if change is possible. Sometimes all the logic in the world can’t override emotions. Why do you think we talk about making decisions with your head versus your heart?

Dr. Robyn Odegaard is the CEO/Owner of the speaking/consulting company Champion Performance Development, the founder of the Stop The Drama! Campaign and author of the book ‘Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams’. She specializes in showing people how to use language powerfully to achieve the most from their potential. You can invite her to give one of her funny, powerful, insightful presentations and inquire about her consulting services at www.ChampPerformance.com and order her book from www.StopTheDramaNow.com

Tags :argue, Champion Performance Development, conflict resolution, disagreement, Doc Robyn, head versus heart, head vs heart, help making decisions, just the fact, making decisions, productive conflict, Robyn Odegaard, understanding emotions

Why Don’t Grownups Act Like Grownups?

May 21, 2012 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

You don’t have to look very hard to find people behaving badly in just about any walk of life. I found five stories without even trying (CEOs, Baseball umps, “Regular People 1, Regular People 2, and Athletes). If you spend more than two seconds on any news site or with the TV on you are bombarded with adults behaving badly. Granted, it is disproportionally bad behavior that is broadcast because, well, it’s news.

But even in everyday life I see adults engaging in behavior that we shouldn’t even accept from children. Just yesterday I witnessed an adult in a screaming match with a store employee over a return policy and in the same store saw someone cut in line because they didn’t think the person in front of them was moving fast enough. What is going on with our society that being a grownup no longer means behaving like one?

This is the problem and how we fix it:

‘Feelings’ has become the new F word while the real f-bomb is dropped without a thought. I can hardly be in public without having to hear it. Sitting in traffic with my window open, waiting for a friend in a sushi restaurant, in a stadium trying to enjoy a double-a ball game, I have even heard it in boardrooms. But say the word feelings or have the audacity to ask someone how they’re feeling and everyone looks at you askance.

I hate to break it to you but those emotional tirades people go on and use the f-bomb (a completely useless word that provides no meaning to the conversation what-so-ever) are driven by feelings. In most cases, feelings that aren’t understood and that person has no idea how to manage: hence the explosion.

Speaking of not knowing how to manage our feelings – how are we supposed to learn what to do with negative feelings? Who teaches this stuff? I mean other than sport psychologists and executive coaches. It seems that somewhere along the way we have forgotten to teach our young people how to have a disagreement without being rude, disrespectful and throwing a tantrum. Now we have people who don’t know how to manage anger and disappointment raising children. Somehow that doesn’t make me feel very good.

Why does it matter? Well aside from general human decency (which I think is a pretty big issue), knowing how to use productive conflict and engage in a professional disagreement has been shown to lead to greater success. And success leads to more happiness and higher income. Need evidence? See here, here, here and here.

What are we going to do about it? Well I don’t know about you, but I am on a campaign to show people from junior high through CEOs how to understand what they are feeling and to use language powerfully to move toward resolution rather than epic meltdown. You can call it organizational development, teambuilding, professional coaching or team psychology. Whatever label you put on it the bottom line is this – grownups who are able to act like grownups are going to get further in life. And I am not suggesting people suppress their feelings. In fact I teach exactly the opposite. We all can benefit by learning how to express ourselves productively rather than using the volcano method (push it down until the pressure is so great it explodes).

And while we’re at it, if we could tone down the use of the f-bomb it would make it a lot easier to focus on what people are trying to say rather than being distracted by their lack of vocabulary.

What is your most recent experience of someone not acting like a grownup in public? Share it here.

Dr. Robyn Odegaard is the CEO/Owner of the speaking/consulting company Champion Performance Development, the founder of the Stop The Drama! Campaign and author of the book ‘Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams’. She specializes in showing people how to use language powerfully to achieve more from their potential. You can invite her to give one of her funny, powerful, informative presentations and inquire about her other services at www.ChampPerformance.com and order her book from www.StopTheDramaNow.com

Tags :behaving badly, business success, Champion Performance Development, conflict, disagreement, Doc Robyn, feelings, productive conflict, Robyn Odegaard, sport psychology, success, tantrum, using language powerfully

We Need More Conflict in Our Lives!

September 26, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | 1 Comment

I’m guessing you think I am crazy, but it’s true. We all could use more conflict in our lives. But not just any conflict – productive conflict. But what is productive conflict, why do we need more of it and how can you use it? I am so glad you asked!

Productive conflict

Productive conflict occurs when two people who disagree get to state their case, have a discussion about the points on which they disagree, develop a solution and implement it. No screaming, no hurt feelings, no gossip, no misunderstandings and no drama.

Why we need more conflict

Everyone I know hates conflict. There is nothing fun about it. It is uncomfortable and wrought with emotional landmines and risk. So most of us avoid it like the plague. We dance around a problem, hint at what we want, stew when it doesn’t happen and then explode. We expect other people to just know what we want, understand that the only right way to handle the situation is how we want it done and do it. It never works that way but that is what we want.

The reason we need more conflict is to keep the explosions and hurt feelings from happening. If a situation is discussed and addressed as soon as it is a problem it will be over before it gets ugly. So we need more tiny conflicts and less huge ones.

How to Use Productive Conflict

It is important to realize that most people have no idea how to have and manage a productive conflict conversation. After reading this post, you will likely know more about it than anyone you know. So you are going to have to be responsible for making it happen. Here are the steps:

Notice that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. We are so skilled at avoiding conflict you might not even be aware you are doing it. When something is bugging you, don’t ignore it.

Set aside time to have a conversation. Don’t try to have a productive conflict conversation in the hall outside the bathroom or at the water cooler. Schedule real time to talk.

Tell the other person your concern using “I” based statements. Catch yourself anytime you start to say “you”. Can you reword it into an “I” statement so you own your power?

Ask them to share their side of the situation. LISTEN!

Restate your understanding – “If I understand correctly you are saying…” “Your main concern is…”

Discuss common ground and solutions

Implement

Conflict is never fun. But coming up with a solution and avoiding a major confrontation is very rewarding. You will also get a reputation for being a great team player and knowing how to be a leader if you are able to use productive conflict successfully and avoid the grudge matches that can so easily undermine your ability to succeed.

Do you have an example of a simple issue that turned into a huge problem because it wasn’t handled right away? We would love to hear about it!

Next week – How being friends with a diva limits your success

Did you miss last week? Catch up on our discussion about school’s responsibility to deal with frenemies here.

Tags :Champion Performance Development, conflict, disagreement, Doc Robyn, good communication, office politics, problem solving, productive conflict, Robyn Odegaard

Should Schools be Doing More about Frenemies?

September 19, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | 2 Comments

It is mid-September and most schools are at least a couple of weeks into the new school year. The normal classes, English, History, Geography, Math and even PE are well underway. But what about the interactions that happen on the playground or in the halls between classes? What are students being taught then?

Bullying has certainly become a big buzz word of late and the effects of bullying are becoming better known. Many schools have anti-bullying rules and there is greater awareness for the damage that bullying does to students.

But what are we really doing to provide students with a healthy way to express disagreement and conflict? There is lots of “don’t be mean”, “don’t hit”, “don’t call names”, etc. But what can they do? Disagreement, conflict and arguments are not something you can legislate away. They are going to happen. And when they do, students will often resort to underhanded, conniving and manipulative ways to get their point across. In other words, they become frenemies.

I know you’ve seen it; maybe you have even experienced it. That person who is nice and sweet to your face but behind your back, they are meaner than an injured dog. Even when they say nice things to your face, they aren’t really that nice. “You are so pretty. It is too bad you have to wear ugly clothes.” “You are a good soccer player. Bet you wish your parents could send you to camp like mine did.”

Studies have shown that students as young as grade school age can be taught to use communication skills. When a student is taught how to express him or herself using effective words they are less likely to resort to frenemy behavior.

But where are people supposed to learn these skills? A look at the corporate world shows that most parents don’t have them. In the United States $2billion a year is spent on executive coaching. A lot of the skills that coaches provide revolve around effective communication and conflict resolution. That tells me that those skills are very valuable but are not being provided anywhere in the education system; including in college.

I propose that schools could easily teach effective interpersonal communication and productive conflict. In the younger grades teachers could be trained in it, model the behaviors and instruct children on how to use it when they have a disagreement. In the higher grades, experiential classes could be taught were students learn and practice the skills.

Some options for what we could be teaching are the 7 No Fail Secrets to Stop The Drama! and the 9 Secrets to Great Teamwork. Both available for free download at www.StopTheDramaNow.com

I don’t know about you, but knowing how to deal with conflict would have been much more useful to me when I first got out of school and started working than say, calculus or Russian literature was.

What do you think? Should schools be providing more interpersonal skills? Let me know in the comments.

Come back next week when I talk about why we all need more productive conflict in our lives.

Did you miss last week when I talked about Is Drama the Same as Bullying? Read it here.

Tags :backstabbing, bully, bullying, Champion Performance Development, communication, conflict, conflict resolution, disagreement, Doc Robyn, frenemies, frenemy, frienemies, frienemy, Robyn Odegaard, school curriculum

5 Things You Should Never Say in an Argument

August 8, 2011 | Posted by Doc Robyn | No Comments

Disagreements and even arguments are a normal part of being human. In fact, if two people never disagree, it is pretty likely that one of them is hiding their true thoughts and feelings. However, regardless of if you are arguing with your boss, your coach, a teammate or your significant other, there are a few things you can say that will immediately turn the conversation into a defensive, no win situation. There are likely to be hurt feelings, grudges and the problem may go on for days, months or even years. Avoid these things and you will have a much greater chance of successfully developing a solution, implementing it and the issue being completed.

You make me…. (angry, mad, insane, etc)

No one makes you anything. You get to chose. By telling someone they make you feel a certain way you are giving them your power. If you are feeling something during a disagreement, own it. “I am angry.” No one can argue with how you feel. They can argue with you if they are trying to “make” you feel that way.

It is your fault….

Placing blame never accomplishes anything. Once there has been an accusation of blame the conversation will become a back and forth escalation about who is at fault rather than about the problem and how to solve it.

You are…. (stupid, lying, wrong)

A personal attack will immediately put the other person on the defensive and the discussion becomes win/lose. Instead try to keep the lines of communication open by controlling your side of the conversation. “My recollection of the facts is different.” ”That is not how I remember it.” “From my perspective….”

You should/shouldn’t have….

Things that happened in the past cannot be undone. Telling someone what they should or shouldn’t have done is looking backwards. Instead, look forward. “In the future I would like to see xyz handled differently.” Then talk about what you would like to see happen in the future.

You aren’t listening to me!

This is a statement that is almost guaranteed to be made in any heated disagreement. What is usually meant is “I am not feeling heard.” or “You are not seeing things my way.” It is very possible that someone is listening to you just fine and they disagree. It is also possible that you are not feeling heard. You will be much more successful if you can say something similar to, “I am not feeling heard. Can we take a minute and just let me make this point?”

Keep in mind that choosing the right words is only half the battle. You can derail a conversation by using all the right words but adding a tone, inflection or body language that doesn’t match. Having productive conflict takes effort but the outcome is so, so worth it.

What do people say in arguments that really pushes your buttons? Do you have things you say that you know will cause a conversation to spin out of control? Share them with us!

Check back next week to learn how the jerk in your life might be good for you.

Last week we talked about Changing Detrimental Team Norms. You can read it here if you missed it.