Posts Tagged ‘conflict’

Make Your Customers Feel Unique

November 13, 2012  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Recently I have come across several articles espousing the idea that in order to make a sale it you must address every concern or detraction someone might have before they voice it.  The logic being you if you can keep them from getting to ‘no’ you can get them to do what you want (make a purchase, sign with your team, engage your services).  I understand how and why that strategy works. But it doesn’t feel like a very real interaction.  Even if you do get the sale, will the customer leave feeling good? Willing to do business with you again? Willing to refer their friends?  Or are they going to leave feeling sold?  I would wager the later.

I am going to go against the grain and tell you not to have canned answers to all their questions before they get to ask them.  Customers, clients and potential teammates don’t want to be viewed as fitting into a box.  They want to be viewed as the unique individuals they are. Give them the opportunity to show you who they are and they will leave feeling like you really understand them.

The approach I would like to share is amended from a form of addition therapy called Motivational Interviewing.  The premise is that if you tell someone they should or shouldn’t do something they will push back and defend themselves.  If you engage with them, understand what they want and show them how to use the tools or services to get there they will be happy to accept your assistance.

This is a brief overview of how it works:

What are they trying to accomplish – You are talking to this person for a reason.  There is something they are trying to do and your service or product might help.  Let them tell you about it, even if you think you already know the answer.  When you understand what they are doing you will be better able to articulate how you can help them.

Listen to what they need – It doesn’t matter if you know exactly what they are going to say.  Engage in active listening to show that you hear and understand what they are saying.  Even if you aren’t actually learning anything new, this step allows you to connect with the customer in a way your competitors won’t.

Become part of their success team – When your client believes you really understand them your relationship shifts from being an outsider who has something they need, to being an insider who is pivotal to their success.  Use ‘we’ language rather than ‘you’ and ‘I’ to as you continue the dialogue.

Follow up – When you are part of someone’s team your relationship doesn’t end when they make a purchase.  Cement your ‘go-to’ status by following up with them to ask how things are working and if you can help them again.  After all the effort to become part of the team, don’t drop the ball on the closing play.

Too many people view sales as a wrestling match where they try to impart their will on their opponent … er … customer.  I have often left a business with a product (they made a sale) but with a bitter taste in my mouth about the interaction.  Instead, think of it as a dance where the customer is leading and you are following.  It is much easier to show them the path to where they want to go than to force them down it. Which customer do you think is more likely to tell their friends a positive story about the experience?

Why Don’t Grownups Act Like Grownups?

May 21, 2012  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

You don’t have to look very hard to find people behaving badly in just about any walk of life.  I found five stories without even trying (CEOs, Baseball umps, “Regular People 1, Regular People 2, and Athletes).  If you spend more than two seconds on any news site or with the TV on you are bombarded with adults behaving badly.  Granted, it is disproportionally bad behavior that is broadcast because, well, it’s news.

But even in everyday life I see adults engaging in behavior that we shouldn’t even accept from children.  Just yesterday I witnessed an adult in a screaming match with a store employee over a return policy and in the same store saw someone cut in line because they didn’t think the person in front of them was moving fast enough.  What is going on with our society that being a grownup no longer means behaving like one?

This is the problem and how we fix it:

‘Feelings’ has become the new F word while the real f-bomb is dropped without a thought.  I can hardly be in public without having to hear it.  Sitting in traffic with my window open, waiting for a friend in a sushi restaurant, in a stadium trying to enjoy a double-a ball game, I have even heard it in boardrooms.  But say the word feelings or have the audacity to ask someone how they’re feeling and everyone looks at you askance.

I hate to break it to you but those emotional tirades people go on and use the f-bomb (a completely useless word that provides no meaning to the conversation what-so-ever) are driven by feelings.  In most cases, feelings that aren’t understood and that person has no idea how to manage: hence the explosion.

Speaking of not knowing how to manage our feelings – how are we supposed to learn what to do with negative feelings?  Who teaches this stuff?  I mean other than sport psychologists and executive coaches.  It seems that somewhere along the way we have forgotten to teach our young people how to have a disagreement without being rude, disrespectful and throwing a tantrum.  Now we have people who don’t know how to manage anger and disappointment raising children.  Somehow that doesn’t make me feel very good.

Why does it matter?  Well aside from general human decency (which I think is a pretty big issue), knowing how to use productive conflict and engage in a professional disagreement has been shown to lead to greater success.  And success leads to more happiness and higher income.  Need evidence?  See here, here, here and here.

What are we going to do about it?  Well I don’t know about you, but I am on a campaign to show people from junior high through CEOs how to understand what they are feeling and to use language powerfully to move toward resolution rather than epic meltdown.  You can call it organizational development, teambuilding, professional coaching or team psychology.  Whatever label you put on it the bottom line is this – grownups who are able to act like grownups are going to get further in life.  And I am not suggesting people suppress their feelings.  In fact I teach exactly the opposite.  We all can benefit by learning how to express ourselves productively rather than using the volcano method (push it down until the pressure is so great it explodes).

And while we’re at it, if we could tone down the use of the f-bomb it would make it a lot easier to focus on what people are trying to say rather than being distracted by their lack of vocabulary.

What is your most recent experience of someone not acting like a grownup in public? Share it here.

Dr. Robyn Odegaard is the CEO/Owner of the speaking/consulting company Champion Performance Development, the founder of the Stop The Drama! Campaign and author of the book ‘Stop The Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams’.  She specializes in showing people how to use language powerfully to achieve more from their potential.   You can invite her to give one of her funny, powerful, informative presentations and inquire about her other services at www.ChampPerformance.com and order her book from www.StopTheDramaNow.com

I could be talking about driving. That is something everyone thinks they are great at but the truth is most of us are pretty lousy. But I am actually talking about a skill every single person uses multiple times a day; there is basically no training, no testing, and no license. Everyone I have ever met thinks they are really good at it. I am talking about the ability to communicate. Wait! Don’t stop reading just because you think this post doesn’t apply to you. It applies to everyone. Take five minutes out of your day and read it. I know you will find something that you can use.
Read almost any job posting and somewhere it will say “Must have good oral and written communication skills”. Everyone always glosses over that requirement thinking, “Oh yeah, I’ve got that one in spades.” But if everyone had it would they really feel the need to take up space to say it in the post? How often do you see “Must be breathing” in a job posting? Never, because everyone who applies already has that one in the bag.

What that means to you:
If you can show that you actually have communication and conflict resolution skills you will stand out from the pack.

How to Stand Out

On your resume – Don’t just say “great communication skills”. Instead try, “Understand the benefits of having tough conversations and engaging in productive conflict”. Of course, make sure you do and have some examples. You can bet you are going to be asked about it in the interview.

In the interview – After discussing the point above, ask about the company’s culture around dissenting ideas and disagreement. Listen closely to determine if they are looking for a ‘yes man’ who will just do what he is told without question or for someone who is willing to professionally be the devil’s advocate and make sure the best solution is found.

When you are doing the interviewing – Ask them to tell you about a time they disagreed with their boss and how they handled it. Listen for “I” statements. If their whole answer is about what their boss did, they aren’t telling you about how they engaged in the discussion.

On the job or in your business – Tough conversations and productive conflict aren’t things you should just give lip service. Actually using them will make you more successful and ensure you come up with the best solution and resolve issues rather than spinning your wheels when disagreements arise.

In your personal life – Dealing with disagreement isn’t just a 9-5 job. It happens just as much in our personal lives. Being able to engage in productive conflict to reach a resolution will create a happier, healthier environment for you and your loved ones.

What do you think? Do you agree that good communication and conflict resolution skills have become so rare that they can be highlighted to stand out? Share your thoughts in the comments.

To learn more about creating a communication fingerprint that will help you stand out from the crowd, visit these other posts by Doc Robyn:

6 Steps to having a tough conversation
We need more conflict in our lives
The volcano method to conflict

Did you miss last week’s topic Do You Argue Like a Politician?

Next week: How mean kids led to my life’s work

Should Schools be Providing a More Practical Education?

October 17, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  3 Comments

It is challenging to determine what public schools are spending per student to educate our children.  It is certainly safe to say A LOT (Go here for an idea of what a lot likely means).  As a general rule, college tuition increases at about twice the rate of general inflation (go here for recent numbers) and current rates range from twelve to twenty-nine thousand dollars a year.  With the massive amounts of money being spent on education, I would like to think that students are being provided with the most critical knowledge they need to succeed.  But is that really the case?

I am not arguing that things like reading, writing, math, science and history aren’t necessary.  In fact, I regularly find myself wishing the “AP” American history class I took in high school had actually provided me with some knowledge of American history (The teacher lectured almost exclusively on his opinion of what the word ‘history’ meant and the final exam had only one question: “What does the word history mean?”).   And certainly, going to college provides book knowledge students wouldn’t otherwise have (I know I must remember something from that Russian lit class I took as a freshman).

But what about the practical skills we all need?  Such as: How to communicate an idea clearly and succinctly.  How to bring up a dissenting opinion in a way that allows for discussion.  How to be a successful leader.  Or how to inspire others to greatness through teamwork.   If the $2 billion spent worldwide on executive coaching is any indication, those skills are pretty important.  So why aren’t they being taught in schools?

The simple answer is they just never have been and therefore they aren’t.  But everyone knows “because we have always done it that way” isn’t a valid reason to continue doing something.  The more likely reason is that no one working in schools has any idea how to go about teaching communication and conflict resolution skills.  Those skills aren’t something you find in a textbook, lecture about to pound the facts home and then give a multiple choice exam that can be graded by a machine to make sure the information can be regurgitated.  Instead, communication and conflict resolution require tell-show-practice-repeat training, not unlike how athletes are trained or students are taught to type.

I for one believe it is time we start to spend some of the billions and billions of dollars churning around in the education system to provide students (and even teachers) with a practical foundation of communication and conflict resolution skills.  Why in the world are we leaving something so basic up to chance and luck by making every child reinvent the wheel?   The skills and how to teach them are available.  We simply have to get them into schools.

I am prepared to be part of the solution.  Are you willing to join the crusade to help students leave school with more of what they really need so they don’t have to flounder around for several years in the workforce trying to figure it out like we did?  Leave a comment and let me know what you think!

Doc Robyn spent 14 years working in the corporate world before obtaining her doctoral degree in the psychology of organizations.  She is the owner of the consulting company, Champion Performance Development, the founder of the Stop The Drama! campaign and author of the book Stop The Drama! The ultimate guide to female teams.  If you would like Doc Robyn to speak at your school, corporate or non-profit event please contact us.

Did you miss last weeks topic: Are Boys Sports Better Than Girls?

Next week: Do you argue like a politician?

We Need More Conflict in Our Lives!

September 26, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  1 Comment

I’m guessing you think I am crazy, but it’s true.  We all could use more conflict in our lives.  But not just any conflict – productive conflict. But what is productive conflict, why do we need more of it and how can you use it? I am so glad you asked!

Productive conflict

Productive conflict occurs when two people who disagree get to state their case, have a discussion about the points on which they disagree, develop a solution and implement it. No screaming, no hurt feelings, no gossip, no misunderstandings and no drama.

Why we need more conflict

Everyone I know hates conflict.  There is nothing fun about it.  It is uncomfortable and wrought with emotional landmines and risk.  So most of us avoid it like the plague.  We dance around a problem, hint at what we want, stew when it doesn’t happen and then explode.  We expect other people to just know what we want, understand that the only right way to handle the situation is how we want it done and do it.  It never works that way but that is what we want.

The reason we need more conflict is to keep the explosions and hurt feelings from happening.  If a situation is discussed and addressed as soon as it is a problem it will be over before it gets ugly.  So we need more tiny conflicts and less huge ones.

How to Use Productive Conflict

It is important to realize that most people have no idea how to have and manage a productive conflict conversation.  After reading this post, you will likely know more about it than anyone you know.  So you are going to have to be responsible for making it happen.  Here are the steps:

  1. Notice that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.  We are so skilled at avoiding conflict you might not even be aware you are doing it.  When something is bugging you, don’t ignore it.
  2. Set aside time to have a conversation.  Don’t try to have a productive conflict conversation in the hall outside the bathroom or at the water cooler.  Schedule real time to talk.
  3. Tell the other person your concern using “I” based statements. Catch yourself anytime you start to say “you”.  Can you reword it into an “I” statement so you own your power?
  4. Ask them to share their side of the situation. LISTEN!
  5. Restate your understanding – “If I understand correctly you are saying…” “Your main concern is…”
  6. Discuss common ground and solutions
  7. Implement



Conflict is never fun.  But coming up with a solution and avoiding a major confrontation is very rewarding.  You will also get a reputation for being a great team player and knowing how to be a leader if you are able to use productive conflict successfully and avoid the grudge matches that can so easily undermine your ability to succeed.

Do you have an example of a simple issue that turned into a huge problem because it wasn’t handled right away?  We would love to hear about it!

Next week – How being friends with a diva limits your success

Did you miss last week? Catch up on our discussion about school’s responsibility to deal with frenemies here.

Should Schools be Doing More about Frenemies?

September 19, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  2 Comments

It is mid-September and most schools are at least a couple of weeks into the new school year.  The normal classes, English, History, Geography, Math and even PE are well underway.  But what about the interactions that happen on the playground or in the halls between classes?  What are students being taught then?

Bullying has certainly become a big buzz word of late and the effects of bullying are becoming better known.  Many schools have anti-bullying rules and there is greater awareness for the damage that bullying does to students.

But what are we really doing to provide students with a healthy way to express disagreement and conflict?  There is lots of “don’t be mean”, “don’t hit”, “don’t call names”, etc.  But what can they do?  Disagreement, conflict and arguments are not something you can legislate away.  They are going to happen.  And when they do, students will often resort to underhanded, conniving and manipulative ways to get their point across.  In other words, they become frenemies.

I know you’ve seen it; maybe you have even experienced it. That person who is nice and sweet to your face but behind your back, they are meaner than an injured dog.  Even when they say nice things to your face, they aren’t really that nice.  “You are so pretty. It is too bad you have to wear ugly clothes.”  “You are a good soccer player.  Bet you wish your parents could send you to camp like mine did.”

Studies have shown that students as young as grade school age can be taught to use communication skills.  When a student is taught how to express him or herself using effective words they are less likely to resort to frenemy behavior.

But where are people supposed to learn these skills? A look at the corporate world shows that most parents don’t have them.  In the United States $2billion a year is spent on executive coaching.  A lot of the skills that coaches provide revolve around effective communication and conflict resolution.  That tells me that those skills are very valuable but are not being provided anywhere in the education system; including in college.

I propose that schools could easily teach effective interpersonal communication and productive conflict.  In the younger grades teachers could be trained in it, model the behaviors and instruct children on how to use it when they have a disagreement.  In the higher grades, experiential classes could be taught were students learn and practice the skills.

Some options for what we could be teaching are the 7 No Fail Secrets to Stop The Drama! and the 9 Secrets to Great Teamwork.  Both available for free download at www.StopTheDramaNow.com

I don’t know about you, but knowing how to deal with conflict would have been much more useful to me when I first got out of school and started working than say, calculus or Russian literature was.

What do you think?  Should schools be providing more interpersonal skills? Let me know in the comments.

Come back next week when I talk about why we all need more productive conflict in our lives.

Did you miss last week when I talked about Is Drama the Same as Bullying? Read it here.

5 Things You Should Never Say in an Argument

August 8, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Disagreements and even arguments are a normal part of being human.  In fact, if two people never disagree, it is pretty likely that one of them is hiding their true thoughts and feelings.  However, regardless of if you are arguing with your boss, your coach, a teammate or your significant other, there are a few things you can say that will immediately turn the conversation into a defensive, no win situation.  There are likely to be hurt feelings, grudges and the problem may go on for days, months or even years.  Avoid these things and you will have a much greater chance of successfully developing a solution, implementing it and the issue being completed.

You make me…. (angry, mad, insane, etc)

No one makes you anything.  You get to chose.  By telling someone they make you feel a certain way you are giving them your power.  If you are feeling something during a disagreement, own it.  “I am angry.”  No one can argue with how you feel.  They can argue with you if they are trying to “make” you feel that way.

It is your fault….

Placing blame never accomplishes anything.  Once there has been an accusation of blame the conversation will become a back and forth escalation about who is at fault rather than about the problem and how to solve it.

You are…. (stupid, lying, wrong)

A personal attack will immediately put the other person on the defensive and the discussion becomes win/lose.  Instead try to keep the lines of communication open by controlling your side of the conversation.  “My recollection of the facts is different.”  ”That is not how I remember it.”  “From my perspective….”

You should/shouldn’t have….

Things that happened in the past cannot be undone.  Telling someone what they should or shouldn’t have done is looking backwards.  Instead, look forward.  “In the future I would like to see xyz handled differently.”  Then talk about what you would like to see happen in the future.

You aren’t listening to me!

This is a statement that is almost guaranteed to be made in any heated disagreement.  What is usually meant is “I am not feeling heard.” or “You are not seeing things my way.”  It is very possible that someone is listening to you just fine and they disagree.  It is also possible that you are not feeling heard.  You will be much more successful if you can say something similar to, “I am not feeling heard.  Can we take a minute and just let me make this point?”

Keep in mind that choosing the right words is only half the battle.  You can derail a conversation by using all the right words but adding a tone, inflection or body language that doesn’t match.  Having productive conflict takes effort but the outcome is so, so worth it.

What do people say in arguments that really pushes your buttons?  Do you have things you say that you know will cause a conversation to spin out of control?  Share them with us!

Check back next week to learn how the jerk in your life might be good for you.

Last week we talked about Changing Detrimental Team Norms.  You can read it here if you missed it.

Are Your Disagreements Helping or Hurting?

June 20, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

What you say next matters

Did you know that how you argue and what you argue about can actually improve or deteriorate how much you achieve from your potential?  It’s true.  Certain types of disagreements or discussions can help you achieve more while others will only tear you down.  But how can you tell if a heated conversation is working for or against you?  The key is to recognize the type of conflict you are having and to use that knowledge to your advantage.

Relationship conflict – Try not to become too caught up in the term “relationship”.  In this context we are not talking about a romantic relationship.  Instead the term is used  to mean interpersonal interaction between people.  This type of conflict revolves around who someone is as a person.  Arguments will include things meant to tear down or damage the other person’s character. You might hear words like “stupid”, “dumb”, “doesn’t think”, “cares only about herself”, “isn’t interested in the good of the team”, “back-stabbing” or other nasty opinions.  These character judgments may include examples that “prove” what is being said is true.

Relationship conflict accomplishes absolutely nothing.  It creates a defensive response, hurt feelings and resentment.  There is no upside to these types of arguments.  There is no way for anyone to win and everyone will lose.  Worse, relationship conflict masks the real problem, burying it to fight another day, a lose-lose situation.  Relationship conflict diminishes team and individual performance in both physical and mental activities.

Informational differences – In contrast, informational differences, also called cognitive conflict, are about the actual topics and issues at hand.  The conversation can be about how something is accomplished, a situation that took place and the feelings that resulted or any number of real things.  Cognitive conflict is productive.  You will not hear accusations about someone’s character or declarations as to why someone else is behaving in a certain way.  Disagreements of this type involve the sharing of information.  There are lots of “I” statements: “I felt this way”, “I observed this behavior”,  “I had this reaction”.

Informational differences move people towards resolution.  As information about the real problem is shared, understanding grows and win-win solutions can be discovered.  Cognitive conflict improves performance in both physical and mental activities.

Have productive conflict – It has been shown that individuals who trust each other have less relationship conflict.  Having good communication improves trust.  And therefore good communication will improve individual and team performance.

To be more successful in all of your endeavors, reduce relationship conflict by eliminating character attacks and discuss informational differences by sharing where you stand and how you feel about something using “I” statements.  If you can own your own thoughts and feelings while listening to the thoughts and feelings of others your potential will take you far.

Have you experienced relationship conflict that ended badly?  Share it with us.  Doc Robyn is always happy to provide feedback on how unhealthy conflict can be turned into productive conflict.

Last week we talked about how worrying can kill your performance.

Next week: How the running commentary in your head, good or bad, becomes reality.

The Volcano Method to Conflict

March 13, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  1 Comment

Everything seems to be going well.  Things are humming along on schedule, progress is being made toward team goals and your team seems to be functioning like a well-oiled machine.  There is one person you think might be being a little quiet, but maybe she is just having a bad day.  Suddenly, there is yelling and finger pointing, maybe even tears.  The whole team screeches to a halt.  “What just happened” you wonder.  “Things were going so well.  I don’t understand.” 

I can tell you what happened.  Your team, or at least a member or two has been using the volcano method to conflict management.  The thought process looks generally looks like this: 

“I really don’t like how Danielle is talking to me… It’s not a big deal and I don’t want to cause waves.  I’ll just let it go.” 

“I think we could be more productive if we changed this one little thing.  But they have been doing it like this for a long time and seem to like it so I’m not going to say anything.” 

“It annoys me that Mark and Abe disappear on a break every day just as the heaviest workload arrives.  I wish someone would say something to them.  It isn’t my job to talk to them.” 

“Why does Susan insist on taking calls on speaker?  I can’t concentrate at all.” 

“Really? I have to be the one to go out to the fence again today to pick up practice balls?” 

On and on seemingly little things get piled into the emotional ‘it’s just not that big of a deal’ box.  But each thing takes up a tiny bit of space.  And because nothing is ever taken out of the box, over time it gets full.  Then bulging.  Finally, it explodes.  And not surprisingly the explosion is usually caused by something small. 

You don’t have to let the use of the volcano plan damage your team.  Remember, if a team has no conflict someone is lying (or at least hiding the truth). A few quick tips to avoid an explosion: 

- Agree as a team that even ‘small’ issues are okay to bring up

- Create a norm that issues which could be labeled petty are important to talk about

- If you have an emotional bully who railroads other team members into silence – address it (we will talk about how next week)

- Check in with team members in private who are less likely to speak up in the group setting.  Help them feel safe addressing any issues they might have with the group

- If you notice a change in how someone is communicating with the group, don’t let it slide.  Ask if everything is okay

- It is important that you understand the typical running temperature of your team.  That way you will notice change and be able to do something about it before it gets out of hand.

Have you seen the volcano method in action?  Looking back, what was going on before the explosion that should have tipped you off that a problem was brewing?  What happened in the aftermath?  Tell us your story!

 Next week: Emotional Bullies

 Last week: Dealing with the Loss of a Teammate

Stopping a Downward Spiral

January 30, 2011  |  Posted by Doc Robyn |  No Comments

Why do most teams, leaders, executives and coaches ignore issues with backstabbing, gossip and drama until the team is literally being torn apart? Key players quit, coaches or managers get fired – things get as bad as they possibly can before help is called in. I had a client say to me (after I had been working with them for awhile and things were back on track) “Well, we decided to give you a call because we had tried everything else”. Great, just what every expert wants to hear.

I know I always provide tips, tricks and ideas for issues – and I promise I will get to that. But for just a moment I am going to step out of that role and tell you straight up – every team I have known, been involved with or heard of that is at the point of meltdown has either been torn apart or they have brought in help. If your team is headed down that path get in touch with someone trained in group facilitation and team building. It can be me, it can be someone else – but bring in some help.

Okay, I am off of that soap box. If you don’t want to take the above advice, here are a few things you can do that can help. Success depends greatly on your team trusting whoever is facilitating the discussion.

Step 1 – Figure out what is going on and/or where the problem started. It took me between four and five hours over the course of two sessions in one day to get the whole story from the last time I worked with. I was careful to keep them on track so I could get the facts but also to make sure they felt like I was hearing their frustration and anger.

Step 2 – Acknowledge that there were certainly things that could have been handled differently and that where they are now is not a good place. Get buy-in that everyone on the team believes something has to change. If anyone thinks things “aren’t so bad” they will drag their feet during the change process.

Step 3 – Brainstorm what “solved” looks like. This step is about the end result not the process. What has to happen for everyone on the team to put the issue behind them and move forward?

Step 4 – Brainstorm the process to get to “solved”. Once you have the end goal from step three you can start figuring out how to get there. It won’t be easy but you need a plan.

Step 5 – Get buy-in from everyone on the team that the goal and the process are acceptable and will bring closure.

Step 6 – Put the plan into motion. Make sure you include check-in points. Every member of the team is responsible for following the process, holding others accountable to the process and bringing up issues or concerns if the process isn’t working. Be willing to make changes as you move along to make sure you reach your end goal.

Step 7 – Agree as a team that the issue has been addressed and is over. Hold each other accountable to not going back to “that place”. The commitment to closure is critical. That way if someone tries to slide back into an old issue you can remind them that it is over and part of the past.

So there it is, the simple yet oh so challenging framework for dealing with a team spiraling out of control. It is hard work. Members might not feel safe enough to be honest. Hurt feelings might not be discussed like they should and people may lie and say they are willing to move past something and not be. But if you stick to it for as long as it takes (I worked with a team for almost two full semesters before they were ‘better’) you will get there.

When you’ve tried everything you can on your own and it still isn’t working – you know how to reach me.

Do you have tips or ideas about dealing with team drama? We will love to hear them!

Next week: When is good – good enough?

Did you miss last week when we talked about keeping your team from falling into the pitfalls of office politics, gossip and team drama? Read it here.